By Alex Quigley
4:38 PM CST, January 16, 2014
On Sunday, you, the lucky sports fan, have two NFL conference title games plus the Blackhawks. This is how it'll go.
10:27 a.m. Pop on DVR’d "SNL." Hey, Drunk Uncle on "Weekend Update”? It's gonna be a great day.
11:32 a.m. Start charting number of synonyms Doc Emrick uses for the word “pass” in the Blackhawks-Bruins game.
11:34 a.m. Get second piece of paper.
11:49 a.m. After Tuukka Rask’s fourth impossible save of the first period, recall last summer’s Game 4 goalapalooza and tweet something with the phrase “Tuukka Ra6k” in it. You’ll get at least five RTs.
12:56 p.m. Second intermission, tied 2-2. Do all your house cleaning for the weekend in these 18 minutes.
1:15pm Feel great about yourself, Productive Person!
1:57 p.m. Milan Lucic beats Corey Crawford high on his glove side, beating the Hawks 4-3 in OT. Either listen to NBC’s crew talk about this for the next seven minutes or flip over to the Patriots-Broncos game now.
2:05 p.m. Game hasn’t started yet.
2:08 p.m. Split-screen of Tom Brady and Peyton Manning. Manning’s forehead already has that weird red pressure mark on it. Tom Brady looks pretty.
2:12 p.m. HOW CAN YOU PUT ANOTHER COMMERCIAL BREAK HERE, CBS? DAMMIT.
2:26 p.m. The Broncos go up 14-7 with 6:25 left in the first, and you feel awesome about betting the over at 56. They’re on pace for over a hundred, right?
3:43 p.m. Halftime at Mile High: Denver 21, New England 17. You still got this.
3:44 p.m. Check out ABC’s counterprogramming. Whoa, they run "The Bachelor" during daylight hours? It’s somehow even skeezier when the sun can see you.
4:45 p.m. Score’s still 21-17.
5:15 p.m. 21-17. What the hell, Greatest Quarterbacks of Our Generation?
5:21 p.m. Patriots 27, Broncos 21!
5:39 p.m. Peyton Manning runs a 14-play, 80-yard touchdown drive that takes all remaining 5:34 off the game clock. The final play is a 5-yard toss to Wes Welker, who immediately sprints to the Patriots’ sideline and Gatorade-dunks himself in front of Bill Belichick. Denver 28, New England 27.
5:40 p.m. You haven’t missed anything yet in Seattle. Did you know these two teams don’t like each other very much? ENJOY THIS MONTAGE THAT IS NOT FOOTBALL.
5:56 p.m. The game’s first fatality is recorded as Seahawks CB Richard Sherman hits Niners TE Vernon Davis in the head with a 2003 Chevrolet Caprice.
7:15 p.m. Scoreless at halftime.
7:36 p.m. Just before second-half kickoff, you panic and try to remember if "The Walking Dead" returns this Sunday. Over on AMC, you find "Bruce Almighty" on and breathe a sigh of relief. Ooh, "Twister" is on after that a! *press record*
8:01 p.m. Marshawn Lynch runs through all 11 San Francisco defenders in an unbelievable 23-yard touchdown scamper, putting the Seahawks up 7-3.
8:04 p.m. The USGS confirms a 4.2-magnitude earthquake did minor damage in downtown Seattle at 6:01pm Pacific time.
8:36 p.m. The Seahawks close out the Niners, 17-10. Jim Harbaugh almost shakes Pete Carroll’s hand, then runs for the Halas trophy. He is Tasered on the field in what becomes the most GIF'd moment in Internet history.
8:37 p.m. You think, “Man, I hope someday Marc Trestman gets a chance to do that.”
9:59 p.m. Hey, "The Karate Kid" is about to start on FX! Excellent end to the day.
10:00 p.m. It’s the Jaden Smith remake version.
10:01 p.m. Oh yeah, I was already recording "Twister." Aunt Meg, take me home to Wakita.
RedEye special contributor Alex Quigley can be heard on WGN Radio 720.
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