5:43 PM CDT, September 15, 2013
Brian Urlacher’s playing career is over, but he’s still dishing out hits.
Since becoming an analyst for Fox Sports 1, the legendary Bears linebacker has stirred the pot on faking injuries, why he hates some of the NFL rules changes and how Jay Cutler gave him the brush-off.
He should have had interesting things to say after the Bears rallied to top Minnesota 31-30 on Sunday in a wild shootout at Soldier Field.
Jay Cutler threw two interceptions and fumbled once. But he also fired three touchdown passes, including a 16-yarder to Martellus Bennett--aka the "Black Unicorn"--with 16 seconds left to seal the comeback win.
“That’s two weeks in a row where communication between me and Cutty showed up in the red zone,” Bennett said. “That’s what we’ve been working on.
"You ever try to catch a butterfly with your hands? You can't do it. You need a net. They've got butterfly nets. And hopefully they don't make a unicorn net just for catching unicorns, especially black ones.”
The Bears as a whole were just elusive enough, and they begin the season 2-0.
Certainly the Bears were not focused at all on Urlacher on Sunday afternoon, and rightfully so. All the more reason to let us zoom in on “What Would Brian Say?”
He exploded for 249 kickoff return yards, a Bears record.
WWBS: Let’s see a cheetah do that! Even a cheetah with a jet pack on roller skates.
What Jay Cutler actually said: “[Hester] was averaging 50 yards a kickoff return. … It’s hard to win a game with four turnovers. You can’t do it without great special teams play and a good defense.”
The Vikings receiver returned the opening kickoff 105 yards for a score, a Soldier Field record.
WWBS: I totally would have caught that guy if it weren’t for my bad knee. A few more rounds of Regenokine therapy, some shark DNA and a bratwurst and I’m good to go, Coach Trestman!
The “Black Unicorn” hauled in seven catches for 76 yards and two TDs, including the game-winning score.
WWBS: Love that nickname. It’s too bad I never had one that cool. Of course, nothing good rhymes with “Urlacher.”
What Jay Cutler actually said: “It’s hard to judge [Bennett] because he is such a great blocker. … Then you see him run routes and you’re like, man, we’ve got to throw him the ball.”
The Bears’ do-it-all running back had 19 rushes for 90 yards and 11 catches for 71 yards. That’s a lot of hits to absorb.
WWBS: Attaboy, Matt! It’s like I always said: If your head’s not a little fuzzy after a hit, it’s not a real tackle.
The Bears dipped into their bag of tricks with a run a reverse to Alshon Jeffery, good for 38 yards.
WWBS: I remember when we ran that fake field goal in 2001 and Brad Maynard hit me with a TD pass to beat Washington. *sniff* That was awesome. *sniff sniff*
Referee Ed Hochuli, known for his massive biceps as well as his lengthy explanations, left his mic on between first and second quarters and told a fellow official: “Yeah, we coulda called that one.”
WWBS: Psh, I haven’t thought much of referees since one hit me on the head with the overtime coin toss against Green Bay in 2008. My dome isn’t THAT big.
The whole world now knows Urlacher and Cutler aren’t exactly drinking buddies. What might he thinking when Cutler was struggling in parts of Sunday’s game?
WWBS: Serves you right, Jay. And I never wanted to go to your stupid ‘80s party anyway.
What Brandon Marshall actually said: “I’m just glad we have Mr. Fourth Quarter on our side, Jay Cutty. I’m just grateful to play in this offense.”
One of the Bears’ new starting linebackers knocked down a pass one play and pummeled Vikings quarterback Christian Ponder into the ground on another. Very Urlacher-like.
WWBS: Not bad, kid. When you start picking those off and taking them in for six, then I might let you come watch my next Xfinity commercial shoot.
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