2058

FIFA announces it will disband and replace all future World Cups with virtual tournaments. The U.S. soccer team finally exits group play in the XBox version of "FIFA 2058." (June 10, 2014)

We hate to be pessimists, but let's face it: As a nation, the other football just isn't America's sport.

In fact, we predict it is going to be a while -- a long one -- before the U.S. makes it out of group play again. We gazed into the future to predict exactly how long it will take the Americans to get anywhere in the World Cup.

SPOILER ALERT: It's going to be a while. Here's a timeline: 

  • 2018 - The Spire is fully funded, built and completely occupied. The U.S. team is swiftly eliminated in host country Russia.

  • 2022 - North West and Blue Ivy Carter release their first single together. Despite it being the theme song to the Qatar-hosted World Cup, the U.S. fails to score a single goal.

  • 2026 - The United States passes legislation legalizing marijuana nationwide. In Chicago, the CTA announces plans for an all-electric bus fleet by the end of the decade. The U.S. team is short on players after a round of drug testing to qualify for the Iraq-hosted World Cup.

  • 2030 - The Blackhawks reach the Stanley Cup Final, the Bears get to the Super Bowl, the Bulls play the Heat for the championship and the White Sox compete for the World Series. Each team wins. Despite the World Cup being hosted in Chicago and the U.S., America fails to exit group play.

  • 2034 - The first manned mission to Mars is complete. In the same year, Mayor Kanye West announces every single pothole in Chicago has been repaired. In the newly democratic North Korea, the U.S. team does not win a single match.

  • 2038 - Divvy launches the first citywide hover-bike share program in Chicago, and the CTA announces it has scrapped plans for electric buses. The U.S. soccer team -- though promising -- fails to advance in the World Cup hosted in a vastly warmer Republic of Antarctica. 

  • 2042 - The Naperville Cubs reach the World Series against the Milwaukee Micro-Brewers, and lose in Game 7. The U.S. team cannot adjust to the gravity differences in World Cup group play held in the Picard Crater Dome on the moon.

  • 2046 - The U.S. soccer team stuns the globe ahead of the World Cup with a vastly improved team. Despite this, a manned mission to destroy an asteroid on a collision course with Earth delays the games, which were to be held in Canada.

  • 2050 - Chicago becomes the first city on Earth to be 100-percent powered by solar and wind energy. The CTA announces plans to rehabilitate the Wilson stop. The U.S. team goes absolutely nowhere in the World Cup hosted on Google’s recently established island nation in the Pacific Ocean.

  • 2054 - The Cubs, having moved back to Chicago, reach a deal with rooftop owners and win the World Series. The U.S. soccer team, led by a near perfect genetic clone of David Beckham, does not exit group play.

  • 2058 - FIFA announces it will disband and replace all future World Cups with virtual tournaments. The U.S. soccer team finally makes it out of group play in the XBox version of "FIFA 2058."

 

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