By Ernest Wilkins @ernestwilkins
August 6, 2013
Meet the 10 folks you’re going to be losing your $5 buy-in to this year.
The Serious One
From trade request e-mails on Saturday nights at 11 p.m. to being the only person in the history of Yahoo! Sports to actually use the "Smack Talk!" feature, this pinnacle of American achievement just wants you to know that while this may be a game, it ain't a game, honey.
Oh! Your father-in-law plays fantasy football too? What's that? Your cousin wants to play, even though he got wasted on Crown and hit on my girlfriend at your wedding? Oh, cool, your new significant other who still says "Respect my authoritah!" wants in? Tell you what, how about you and your cavalcade of buttholes go start your own draft. This is a keeper league, baby. We play for keeps.
The Aloof One
Is super-hyped to sign up for the league! Is super-hyped to draft! Is never heard from again due to a new relationship. (He/she always disappears when they start dating someone new, don't they?) Somehow manages to take second despite not changing lineup once. Never pays the buy-in.
Sends no less than three group e-mails a week with a one-sentence insight from some hardcore fantasy site. Actually uses the phrase "limited upside" in real life conversation. Once was late to meet his girlfriend's parents for the first time because of a "Sit 'em or Start 'em" segment. Drafts Tom Brady Every. Single. Time. Probably went to a Big Ten school.
The Worldwide Leader
This person regurgitates everything ESPN says and tries to pass it off as exclusive information like it's some kind of mystical talisman everyone else on the planet doesn't have access to. Oh, you heard Chris Johnson was questionable this week? So did the rest of us. Oh, Keyshawn Johnson said that the Jets might struggle against the Saints this week? Hmm, maybe that's because the Jets are the football equivalent of a warm shot of well gin? Please, continue blessing us mere mortals with your special insights, Obi-Wan.
This goober has no problem blowing his/her entire draft on whatever team he/she supports. Even the kicker. Even the fifth-round draft pick who only plays kickoff coverage. BRB, filing a petition with Congress to get this person and all like them shot into the sun.
The King of the Heap
Stole the league title last year by working the free agent wire like none other. Always manages to pick up some rando who ends up having 200 yards receiving one game of the season and is never heard from again. The worst part? They're usually just guessing.
Every season, this person can be counted on to manage four teams in four different leagues and will be active in all of them. Work, church, family, AND your keeper league? You may ask, "How?" Well, when's the last time you heard them talking about work?
The Stubborn One
After a disastrous spell of injuries and freak occurrences in the first five weeks, these poor souls have NO chance at winning the league this year. You would think this would lead them to give up. You would be wrong. They won't trade or make any concessions. They fully intend on going down with the ship. Admirable, but annoying.
The Draft Party Planner
How do you make up for not having control over your own life? How about creating a ridiculously extravagant draft party concept where the entire crew gets together and pays too much for the privilege of hanging out like you weren't going to this weekend anyway? What do you mean, you don't want to sit in a bar while staring at your laptop and eating re-heated potato skins? How about a trip to Vegas? Wait, your girl is pregnant? Holy crap man, that's amazing! I'm so happy for you! Just a second though. So ... you DON'T want to do Vegas?
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