1. What else should Luis Suarez apologize for?
Leonor Vivanco: His fake apology. Sounded more like "I'm sorry I'm not sorry" apology. He's bit an opponent before.
Evil Super Computer: For not warning all of you of the machines' plan for world domination sooner! MWAHAHA!
Soxman: For not helping Crime Dog McGruff "take a bite out of crime."
Aly Bockler: The recent public breakup of Eddie and JoBo.
Ernest Wilkins: Not drawing blood. Suarez is Uruguayan for "Dracula," you know.
2. Welcome the Fire back to action after their three-week break.
Leonor Vivanco: Ride this soccer craze and score some gooooooooooooooooooals.
Evil Super Computer: Remember, don't tell anyone what the break was really for: turning all of you into cyborgs.
Soxman: Light it up up up. Show us how hard the Fire works!
Aly Bockler: Oh, wait, you guys were on a break? My bad! Welcome back!
Ernest Wilkins: Welcome back! Did you win the World Cup?
3. If Derrick Rose skips USA Basketball's minicamp ...
Leonor Vivanco: ... he'll come out with yet another Adidas shoe.
Evil Super Computer: Psshh, humans. Such fragile beings.
Soxman: Cheesesteaks, water ice and Tastykakes after the game. It's the best of Philly. TRUST ME.
Aly Bockler: ... my FIBA Basketball World Cup in August will be half empty.
Ernest Wilkins: ... then we'll know he's planning for the most ultimate NBA troll job ever.
4. What did the Bulls say to Carmelo Anthony when they met with him Tuesday?
Leonor Vivanco: "Not only would you look good in a Bulls jersey, but we'll serve Mello Yello at the United Center."
Evil Super Computer: "How about a shiny new iPod?"
Soxman: "Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, Carmelo Anthony." *John Paxson drops the mic*
Aly Bockler: "While you're here, don't step on that Willis Tower ledge thingy, just in case."
Ernest Wilkins: "You know you have to pass on this team, right?"
5. How are the Blackhawks preparing for NHL free agency?
Leonor Vivanco: Picking names out of a hat to determine which players will be back on the roster.
Evil Super Computer: Checking their couch cushions. They're going to need every penny they can get.
Soxman: If you extend Toews and Kane, they will come (whispered in my "Field of Dreams" voice).
Aly Bockler: Garage sales and lemonade stands at the Wirtz mansion!
Ernest Wilkins: Apparently blowing it all up! Not like the team went deep in the playoffs ... wait.