Sup, Chi-Town? It's ya boy, Scotty Brolohan. It's been mad long since you heard from me, but I've been ridic swamped playing Candy Crush at my pop's law firm for the summer.

But on Fraturday I took the SS Ex (it's a motorboat, lol) out on the lake with my bro Jacked the Ripped and his GF Studs Twerkel. Jacked was like, "Yo, Han Brolo," and I was like, "Jeah?" and he was like, "Sweet Lochte ref," and I was like, "Bro, Da Bearsss are back!" and he was like, "Remember when we saw Vince Vaughn at Underground?" and I was like, "Bro, I think about it every day," and he was like, "What if we saw him but like Da Bearsss won the Super Browl?" and I was like, "Bro, I would probably cry 'The Fault in Our Stars'-hard but in like the stoked way," and then some unturnt water cop bro gave us a ticket for open intox because we crashed into Navy Pier. Shout-out to the Ferris wheel.

All summer, I spend crushing Natty Light and not wearing sleeves to kill time until training camp. Every year I think they're going to win the Super Browl, and this year is no different. Cutty's back even though I was hella pissed at him because I tweeted him like five times to name his boy Jay Z Cutler and he didn't. Plus Alshon and don't be "Fogetting Brandon Marshall" (lol that's my fantasy team name, it's like that movie) mean Da Bearsss are gonna score more than James Franco at prom.

Da Bearsss are all-around more on point. Am I going to miss Devin Hester? Hester? I hardly know her. No Julius Peppers? Peppers? I hardly know her! Henry Melton? More like he sucks a MelTON.

I know you are probably like, "Bro, their defense is so old they can probably remember the '90s." Chill, bro. They signed my favorite non-Cutty player ever, Jared Allen. First time I saw him, I asked my old man who was the bro with the mane wearing the sex number and he said, "Jared Allen, he's super swaggy," and I was like, "Woah, dadbro, it's like 2009, no one says swag yet. Epic." Then we had bronch.

In conclusion, Ditka.

Peace.

Scott Bolohan—er, Scotty Brolohan —is a RedEye special contributor.