1. The Bears are 1-0 in the preseason. Good sign?
Sean Ely: *Checks roster, notices Jay Cutler is still the starting QB, laughs to himself* Hey, sorry, I'm back. Umm, no.
Sarah Spain: "Yes!" say the 2008 Lions, who went 4-0 in the preseason and 0-16 when it counted.
Stick Figure: It sure beats starting the preseason 0-1.
Elliott Serrano: Yeah! The sign reads SUPER BOWL SUPER BEARS! No, I'm not overreacting at all.
Emily Brown: Sure, they're undefeated. But more importantly, it's football season!
2. What is different about the Bears now that Martellus Bennett has returned?
Sean Ely: More players will find themselves landing on their necks at practice. Great for the spine!
Sarah Spain: 100 percent more Black Unicorn.
Stick Figure: All his drills now end with him catching passes while diving off the top rope.
Elliott Serrano: Bodyslams and headlocks will be added to the playbook.
Emily Brown: All the media will swarm around Bennett for a day or so. Then things will go back to the way they were.
3. How good will Javy Baez be for the Cubs?
Sean Ely: Not as impressive as John Domanico will be for the Sox once he's called up from AAA. That arm, though.
Sarah Spain: Good enough to make watching a last-place team tolerable.
Stick Figure: At least as good as the guy he replaced, though I can't remember who that was.
Elliott Serrano: HE'S LEADING THEM TO THE WORLD SERIES, BABY! Also not an overreaction.
Emily Brown: He's the Jose Abreu of the Cubs. We'll see after his first season.
4. Why are Cubs games taking so long lately?
Sean Ely: There is a team contest going on right now. Whoever has the longest at-bat this season wins a new Chevy Aveo LTE!
Sarah Spain: Staying in last place requires real time and dedication.
Stick Figure: Aw man, I haven't been watching. Why didn't you tell me there would be a quiz?
Elliott Serrano: Time between pitches is being kept using an hourglass? Get with the times, MLB.
Emily Brown: They're trying to convince their fans they have a chance. But actually, they're just dragging out the inevitable (loss).
5. If Yasiel Puig can break his bat on a check swing, what else can he do? Emily Brown: Sean Ely: Elliott Serrano: Sarah Spain: Stick Figure:
Sean Ely: Tear the stitching off the ball just by making eye contact with it.
Sarah Spain: End world hunger with a bunt.
Stick Figure: Glue it back together!
Elliott Serrano: Break hearts. Like he did mine. I WISH I COULD QUIT YOU, YASIEL!
Emily Brown: Take two of three from The Rock in arm wrestling.