1. So. Pau Gasol. That gonna be enough for the Bulls?
Sean Ely: The Bulls need a real bull. Like in "Air Bud." But not a golden retriever. A freakin' All Star-worthy bull that can shoot the 3.hospital.
Pete McMurray: Great addition. Once we get Melo, we're contenders. What? He went back to N.Y.? Derrick?
Ernest Wilkins: Enough to make the Eastern Conference Finals! Oh, wait.
Elliott Serrano: Mark my words, we'll be making "Bulls run out of Gasol" puns come the playoffs.
Sarah Spain: Enough to "win" the regular season and get bounced in the first round? Sure.
2. What was missing from LeBron James' letter marking his return to Cleveland?
Sean Ely: That he's excited to play with Andrew Wiggins. Because LeBron wants Kevin Love. Because he can't do it himself. He never can. He never will.
Pete McMurray: "I love you, Cleveland! BUT I may get sick of you, so I have a one-year out clause. And only signed a two-year deal. But I love you, kind of."
Ernest Wilkins: The part where he made Dan Gilbert kiss his big toe for saving his franchise again?
Elliott Serrano: "XOXO."
Sarah Spain: "I'm taking my talents to the Mistake by the Lake."
3. Why didn't Jose Abreu want to participate in the Home Run Derby?
Sean Ely: He didn't want someone representing the White Sox to continue doing what they've done well all season: lose.
Pete McMurray: Translation miscommunication. He thought they said, "Be careful in Minneapolis, you'll get the runs!"
Ernest Wilkins: It would be unfair to put a pro against amateurs like that, man!
Elliott Serrano: He didn't want to run out of gasol in the second half of the season. See what I did there?
Sarah Spain: Something was lost in translation. He said it's 'cause he's afraid of horses.
4. Michael Phelps won a backstroke race. What's that mean?
Sean Ely: Not much. He was baked out of his mind and thought he was swimming freestyle.
Pete McMurray: When a skinny tree falls in the forest ...
Ernest Wilkins: James Deen isn't the only one to get paid while laying on his back?
Elliott Serrano: He has plenty of gasol in his tank! Okay, I'll stop now.
Sarah Spain: He's still pretty decent at this whole swimming thing.
5. Now that the World Cup is over ...
Sean Ely: ... the United States can slowly regain its masculinity from the rest of the world.
Pete McMurray: Huh? Didn't it end when the United States lost?
Ernest Wilkins: ... I'm sad. What a great Cup! Hopefully some of you goons watch the Fire now!
Elliott Serrano: ... Twitter can go back to talking about the Emmys and Doctor Who.
Sarah Spain: ... I'll have to get my flopping fix from the NBA summer league.