Free agent man

Where in the world will LeBron go? (Do you actually care?)

7:25 PM CDT, June 25, 2014


1. Where should LeBron take his talents?
Matt Pais: A karaoke bar. We get that you're great at basketball, man; what else can you do?
Jay St. Pierre: MJ helped a team full of Looney Tunes guys win a game. Maybe LeBron will try the Mickey Mouse Club.
Jane Monzures: Nowhere as a free agent, since $20 million isn't free!
Leonor Vivanco: L.A. That city is used to egos and drama.
Michael Walton II: The only place that really cares about his talents: Cleveland.
2. Where is he probably actually going to take his talents?
Matt Pais: Hopefully somewhere where he never uses the phrase "take my talents" again.
Jay St. Pierre: Don't know ... Don't care.
Jane Monzures: Cleveland. Sort of like getting back together with an ex.
Leonor Vivanco: Back to the Heat. Miami is the only place that seems to like him.
Michael Walton II: The place where no one really cares: Miami.
3. Give us your best tip for surviving the World Cup party in Grant Park.
Matt Pais: Protein bars, 72-ounce Powerade, Wonka-style gum that contains an entire meal. And patience.
Jay St. Pierre: Kendrick Lamar knows what to do: Pour up (drank), head shot (drank), sit down (drank), stand up (drank).
Jane Monzures: If you are visiting from Germany, wear red, white and blue anyway.
Leonor Vivanco: Um, don't go. Instead of rubbing up against sweaty fans, why not watch where you actually have breathing room?
Michael Walton II: "Surviving?" Last time I checked Grant Park wasn't Brazil.
4. The penalty for biting an opposing player should be ...
Matt Pais: ... the victim gets to name/rename your first-born child. "Son of Stupid Guy Who Bit Me" is allowed.
Jay St. Pierre: ... one round with Mike Tyson in his prime -- without a mouthguard, so he can bust out your teeth.
Jane Monzures: ... boxing Mike Tyson in a bout TBD in Vegas.
Leonor Vivanco: Hours at the dentist's office getting root canals.
Michael Walton II: ... allowing the bitten victim to kick a ball directly into the face of the offender.
5. How is the proposed George Lucas museum going to affect Bears tailgates?
Matt Pais: Insert generalization about geek culture not overlapping with sports. Consider if it's true.
Jay St. Pierre: Well, the Bears play in a spaceship. Maybe it'll just become part of the museum.
Jane Monzures: Bears fans welcome new tailgating buddies, R2-D2, C-3POand Ewoks. Hope they like sausage.
Leonor Vivanco: Fans will wear "May the Force Be With You, Bears!" shirts and fight using lightsabers.
Michael Walton II: It will surely disappoint those who thought it would be a George Halas museum.