1. Sum up the Blackhawks' regular season in five words or fewer.
Alex Quigley: Shortest offseason ever? No problem.
Evan F. Moore: First-round opponent, Colorado Avalanche.
Phil Thompson: Should've signed up for Obamacare.
Jimmy Greenfield: Toews and Kaner are alive.
Bag Boy: Exhilarating, injury-riddled, and definitely engaging when one factors in the Sochi Olympics and their geopolitical impact. How many was that?
2. The Cubs' first series of the season against rival St. Louis is ...
Alex Quigley: ... a great time to warm up your St. Louis heckling for the Hawks-Blues series.
Evan F. Moore: ... as intense as a highly competitive game of Uno.
Phil Thompson: ... pointless to talk about right now. Wait until it means something ... like 2016.
Jimmy Greenfield: ... a big series for the Cardinals, exhibition games for the Cubs.
Bag Boy: The better-run, more talent-filled organization will prevail as always. Sorry Cubs.
3. Who's your favorite to win the Masters?
Alex Quigley: I'm gonna cheat and say Jonas Blixt.
Evan F. Moore: Some guy we'll need a nametag to recognize.
Phil Thompson: Miguel Angel Jimenez, just because golf people love calling Spanish golfers "The Spaniard."
Jimmy Greenfield: Harry Vardon, but that young whippersnapper Francis Ouimet could put a scare in him.
Bag Boy: Phil Mickelson.
4. Rate your level of excitement for the Bears' preseason schedule.
Alex Quigley: Honestly, the third game in Seattle will actually kinda sorta matter. Huge test.
Evan F. Moore: Look at my face. I'm ready to bust out of this page because I'm so excited.
Phil Thompson: Premature exhilaration ... which I swear has never happened before.
Jimmy Greenfield: Just above watching soccer, just below the unveiling of the Betty White centerfold.
Bag Boy: On a scale of 1-10, 2.
5. When will the Fire record their first win of the season?
Alex Quigley: Against Montreal. They're terrible. ACTUAL SOCCER ANALYSIS.
Evan F. Moore: As soon as we stop caring.
Phil Thompson: I know they keep tying teams, but maybe their coach isn't running enough drills. Get it? Fire drills? Whatever.
Jimmy Greenfield: On advice of counsel I decline to make another "soccer sucks" joke.
Bag Boy: I didn't know the season started! Next Wednesday, then.