For real

1. What is the Bears' main goal for Friday's preseason opener?
Katie Gibson: Get through the game without killing each other.
Evan F. Moore: Find out who vandalized those suites at Soldier Field. That may have rattled the team.
Phil Thompson: My name is Martellus Bennett and I ain't in it. (But I am in a full body cast.)
Jimmy Greenfield: Avoid injuries. And keep Martellus Bennett sedated at an undisclosed location.
Bag Boy: Make the game seem five hours longer than it is.
2. Better event to watch: The U.S. swimming national championships or preseason NFL?
Katie Gibson: ERMAHGERD FOOTBALL. (Sorry, got excited.)
Evan F. Moore: Preseason football. Look around the sports landscape. We need our fix!
Phil Thompson: I'd watch preseason NFL over the World Series. Sorry, not sorry.
Jimmy Greenfield: Let me rephrase the question. "Which event is more likely to force you to gouge your eyes out?"
Bag Boy: Preseason NFL. You never go "I'm watching the third-rounder!" at a swim meet.
3. Which Chicago athlete would make a great Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?
Katie Gibson: Brandon Marshall would make an excellent Leonardo.
Evan F. Moore: Javier Baez. See that swing? He can handle some nunchuks.
Phil Thompson: Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello, Michaelangelo and their long lost cousin ... Nikola.
Jimmy Greenfield: Robbie Gould, because he actually is one.
Bag Boy: Martellus Bennett.
4. If Tiger Woods' spine could talk, what would it say about this weekend's PGA Championship?
Katie Gibson: "Please no."
Evan F. Moore: "Retire bruh. We got all the $$$ we need."
Phil Thompson: "Spasm? I don't even know him!"
Jimmy Greenfield: "Swing, baby."
Bag Boy: "Yeah, I think I'm ready to go!" *crack*
5. Lupe Fiasco is to recruiting athletes as ...
Katie Gibson: ... ahem. Enhancement pills are to the menfolk. Only great if it actually works.
Evan F. Moore: ... like Joakim Noah doing the same. Nothing wrong with cold calling.
Phil Thompson: ... Derrick Rose is to recruiting athletes.
Jimmy Greenfield: ... not knowing anything about Lupe Fiasco is to making an analogy in Five on Five.
Bag Boy: ... I am to making rap music. I've never tried it.
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