1. Make a sports prediction for August.
Matt Lindner: Cubs players hit more seagulls than singles.
Chris Sosa: Patrick Kane hires Joakim Noah as his designated driver.
Soxman: With all the post-trade hugging in the Cubs dugout, a Free Hugs T-shirt promo is imminent.
Ernest Wilkins: Falling asleep on the couch to Bears preseason games, y'all!
Brad Zibung: The Cubs will keep winning even though the only players they have left are Rizzo and Castro.
2. Congratulate Lake Forest's Matt Grevers on his backstroke gold medal.
Matt Lindner: "Way to go! Now buy an Applebee's so you have a place to hang it alongside your varsity letter jacket."
Chris Sosa: "That's pretty cool. Only a bazillion more before you catch Michael Phelps!"
Soxman: "Congratulations! You've shown the Cubs it's possible to win while being laid out on your back."
Ernest Wilkins: "Congrats! Sorry about that whole living in Lake Forest thing." *Ernest immediately gets lifetime ban*
Brad Zibung: "Way to go! Hopefully kids won't follow in your footsteps so passionately they fail to get straight A's anymore."
3. Why are the Sox giving Chris Sale extra rest?
Matt Lindner: Based on Prior experience in this city, that move Wood make sense (sorry, Cubs fans).
Chris Sosa: Probably so he can grab a bite to eat. Dude needs to gain a few pounds, no?
Soxman: So he's at full strength when playoff tickets go on Sale.
Ernest Wilkins: Wait, I forgot my answer! Had a good joke here, too. Damn. Uh, YOLO?
Brad Zibung: The Sox can spare Sale because they just got Francisco Liriano and his 5-plus ERA. They're all good now.
4. What is the biggest advantage to Nate Robinson joining the Bulls?
Matt Lindner: Finally! Short people in this town have a pro basketball player they can relate to!
Chris Sosa: Well he's Kryptonite, so Chicago is now impervious to Dwight Howard's hot air.
Soxman: ESPN's beat writer has someone to replace JL3 as the only person shorter than he is in the locker room.
Ernest Wilkins: We can sneak Too Short songs into the playlist at the UC. BLOW THE WHISTLE!
Brad Zibung:Because he's planning to vacation there and he's bringing his ego with him.
5. Running shirtless in the rain at training camp is like ...
Matt Lindner: ... singing "Call Me Maybe" out loud on a crowded train. So wrong and yet it feels so right.
Chris Sosa: ... an insult to "Property of (insert NFL team here)" shirts everywhere.
Soxman: ... Tebowing at an atheist convention. No matter what he does, people still won't believe.
Ernest Wilkins: For me, it's like running shirtless at any point: Kinda gross, yet kind of arousing.
Brad Zibung: ... giving the New York media their holiday presents five months early.