Ah, summer. Who doesn't love a good summer romance? As a kid, my summer social existence revolved around the golf course pool. If a girl was lucky and the guy of her dreams happened to hang out at the pool while she was lifeguarding, there was a chance for fireworks.
But more often than not, Mr. Wonderful never happened by, and girls were forced to make do with whatever acne-faced AV club members happened to be around at the time. Sort of like Cubs fans have to make do with the current roster.
Allow me then to save you the potential heartbreak I never managed to avoid by pointing out which Cubs to steer clear of and which Cubs to embrace.
The guy with potential: Jake Arrieta. Sure, he might be skinny, awkward and covered in acne now, but there's no denying there's something about Arrieta and his wicked fastball. Embrace him and his WHIP before some other lucky girl does.
The guy who is out of your league: Kris Bryant. Everything he touches turns to gold, including his slugging percentage at Triple-A Iowa. Beware of getting lost in his deep blue eyes and 1.000+ OPS, he's not for the likes of you. Embrace him from afar, knowing you can never truly have him.
The guy you should walk away from: Edwin Jackson. Despite his reputation as a potential No. 2 starter, he'll only treat you like garbage and break your heart. Nothing good can come from this relationship. Just don't. Avoid like the plague.
The guy you hope will notice you: Javy Baez. He's not quite as flashy as some other guys, but below the surface beats the ferocious heart of a superstar, not to mention 14 home runs (so far). Embrace him now or regret it later.
The guy who will surprise you: Arismendy Alcantara. He's quiet, shy and doesn't draw much attention to himself, except on the field . He hits the cover off the ball and runs like the wind on the base paths. Embrace this diamond in the rough before everyone else notices his sparkle.
The guy next door: Anthony Rizzo. Your parents love him, but his hot-and-cold past makes you hesitant to get involved. Give him another six months to make sure he's really matured into an All-Star, and then embrace him with fervor.
The guy who used to be the guy: Darwin Barney. We get it. He was once your entire world. With his dreamy brown eyes and his Gold Glove, you couldn't even look at other boys for an entire offseason. Alas, what's done is done, what's gone is gone, and it's time for you to cut the ties on this one. Kiss him goodbye, remember the good times and don't look back.
RedEye special contributor Julie DiCaro can be heard on 87.7 FM The Game.