Pau Gasol

Bag Boy is betting Pau Gasol is the guy the Bulls end up signing, not Carmelo Anthony. (MCT / January 24, 2014)

You know, now that I think about it, I'm with you, Derrick Rose.

You can put me firmly in the camp of "I'm not going to recruit you. It's Chicago. Great city, great fans. Great coach, tough players, we're really, really close. If you want to be a champion, come here. If not, I'll beat your pants off when we play."

I like that. And it's true. So take that, Carmelo Anthony. And here's a question:Of all the people pitching their team, their city, their whatever, how come Carmelo Anthony doesn't have to sell anything? The guy's had like one playoff win the past five years. Seriously. He's never in the playoffs, and when he is, he's atrocious. If there's an overhyped player, we're falling for it!

So yeah! Come on, Melo! Leave that cash on the table!

Though thanks for sticking your head in the door to say hello, Derrick. Bulls, you've come a long way since greeting Grant Hill at the airport with Benny the Bull. Amazing that didn't work.

Although some bad news. There's a rumor Carmelo's wife wants to stay in New York.

Yes, Bulls fans. The fate of our team is being decided by someone named LaLa.

Please shoot me.

Actually, that was from Yahoo Sports. These guys are good! They're the same ones who come up with "Five things your dog is trying to tell you!" Great time wasters, guys.

Oh, and by the way, we'd better start thinking Plan B. That's how we ended up with Carlos Boozer. This year's Plan B, I'll bet, is Pau Gasol. Or, as I call him for no reason, "Paulie."

Plan A is where it's at. Leave the money on the table, Melo, and let's win the Eastern Conference!

And wake me when soccer is over. I figured out why no one in the U.S. likes this sport. It's called "scoring" and it's what makes sports exciting. Just once I'd like to read "U.S. blows out Belgium 7-2. Reserves mop up in laugher!"

Seriously, somebody score a friggin' goal! Then score five more! Then we can talk about this being a sport.

Bag Boy is a RedEye special contributor.

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