Whether you are going to the fest or at home with FOMO, we got you covered.
Sports
Sports

Bye, Mike

1. How would you help the Bears in their search for a backup quarterback?
Matt Pais: Throw a bag with $5 million into the center of a gym. Wait.
Jay St. Pierre: Heck, pay me the $600,000 they paid Josh McCown last year and I'll be the backup the next FIVE years.
Jane Monzures: Star in a fake reality show and whichever QB falls for me is the winner!
Kat Velez: I would find the nicest borderline player so the meatballs would be clamoring for him to start.
Mike Hines: I graduated from high school with Cade McNown. I could make a call ...
2. Why did a Packers player call Julius Peppers "a freak of nature"?
Matt Pais: He's never thought about the meaning or implications of that terminology.
Jay St. Pierre: Only a "freak accident" could make such a talented player go downhill in such little time.
Jane Monzures: Nobody in Green Bay has that many teeth!
Kat Velez: He is actually 85 percent green pepper.
Mike Hines: I'm pretty sure it was a compliment.
3. What is the "elephant" role in football?
Matt Pais: It's been discontinued. There's just no reason for someone to spray players with a hose during halftime. Usually.
Jay St. Pierre: I thought the saying was "elephant in the room." I'm confused.
Jane Monzures: Well it's OBVIOUSLY on the football field!
Kat Velez: He's the guy in the room who no one wants to point out.
Mike Hines: I don't know, but it sounds heavy.
4. What are the Blackhawks doing to make their young players feel welcome?
Matt Pais: Punch and pie.
Jay St. Pierre: Letting them drink from the Cup. It's the only way to wean them off the bottle.
Jane Monzures: They can still bring their blankeys on road trips.
Kat Velez: They're not sending them to Rockford. That's the nicest thing they could do for them.
Mike Hines: I hear they installed a hot chocolate fountain in the dressing room.
5. Why does Phil Mickelson miss Tiger Woods at the Masters?
Matt Pais: Insert golf-related sexual innuendo here.
Jay St. Pierre: Well, Lefty is missing his "right hand man"! Get it? "Lefty ... Righty?!" Man, I'm funny!
Jane Monzures: Who's gonna get all the phone numbers now?
Kat Velez: He misses the ladies who follow him.
Mike Hines: Augusta just isn't the same without all those F-bombs flying around.
Copyright © 2016, RedEye
77°