1. How would you help the Bears in their search for a backup quarterback?
Matt Pais: Throw a bag with $5 million into the center of a gym. Wait.
Jay St. Pierre: Heck, pay me the $600,000 they paid Josh McCown last year and I'll be the backup the next FIVE years.
Jane Monzures: Star in a fake reality show and whichever QB falls for me is the winner!
Kat Velez: I would find the nicest borderline player so the meatballs would be clamoring for him to start.
Mike Hines: I graduated from high school with Cade McNown. I could make a call ...
2. Why did a Packers player call Julius Peppers "a freak of nature"?
Matt Pais: He's never thought about the meaning or implications of that terminology.
Jay St. Pierre: Only a "freak accident" could make such a talented player go downhill in such little time.
Jane Monzures: Nobody in Green Bay has that many teeth!
Kat Velez: He is actually 85 percent green pepper.
Mike Hines: I'm pretty sure it was a compliment.
3. What is the "elephant" role in football?
Matt Pais: It's been discontinued. There's just no reason for someone to spray players with a hose during halftime. Usually.
Jay St. Pierre: I thought the saying was "elephant in the room." I'm confused.
Jane Monzures: Well it's OBVIOUSLY on the football field!
Kat Velez: He's the guy in the room who no one wants to point out.
Mike Hines: I don't know, but it sounds heavy.
4. What are the Blackhawks doing to make their young players feel welcome?
Matt Pais: Punch and pie.
Jay St. Pierre: Letting them drink from the Cup. It's the only way to wean them off the bottle.
Jane Monzures: They can still bring their blankeys on road trips.
Kat Velez: They're not sending them to Rockford. That's the nicest thing they could do for them.
Mike Hines: I hear they installed a hot chocolate fountain in the dressing room.
5. Why does Phil Mickelson miss Tiger Woods at the Masters?
Matt Pais: Insert golf-related sexual innuendo here.
Jay St. Pierre: Well, Lefty is missing his "right hand man"! Get it? "Lefty ... Righty?!" Man, I'm funny!
Jane Monzures: Who's gonna get all the phone numbers now?
Kat Velez: He misses the ladies who follow him.
Mike Hines: Augusta just isn't the same without all those F-bombs flying around.