1. Cinco de Mayo parties are to Chicago sports as ...
Elise De Los Santos: ... not winning is to all Chicago sports not played on ice.
Jay St. Pierre: Sweet tea is to Southerners: a daily neccessity in the summertime.
Ernest Wilkins: Cinco De Mayo parties are to my life: too much tequila and you just know I'm going to end up cursing and making my girlfriend mad.
Elliott Serrano: ... drinking margaritas is to writing your 5 on 5 answers. Pass the lime!
Sarah Spain: I had too many mint juleps this weekend to understand this question.
2. Give fans a reason to watch the Crosstown Classic this week.
Elise De Los Santos: [Bleeping] When else are you going to watch the Sox or the Cubs this year?
Jay St. Pierre: Are we talking about baseball or the Crosstown Classic 10K? Because both are equally riveting.
Ernest Wilkins: Jose Abreu will hit a home run so far that he accidentally pelts a soccer mom walking on Southport!
Elliott Serrano: Bring a bottle of tequila and margarita mix. That'll make it bearable. Where did I put that rim salt?
Sarah Spain: Catch the drunken bleacher fights live, before they hit YouTube.
3. The NBA playoffs so far have been ...
Elise De Los Santos: Oh, is that still going on?
Jay St. Pierre: Insane in the membrane. Who sang that?
Ernest Wilkins: ... amazing, except for the Bulls. Everyone should be rooting for the Blazers from here on.
Elliott Serrano: ...blurry. I think I've been too generous with the tequila.
Sarah Spain: Sphincter-testing.
4. What changes for the Hawks with the series shifting to Minnesota?
Elise De Los Santos: Hopefully nothing. More winning.
Jay St. Pierre: Game plan for Billy Bob Thornton. I've been watching a lot of "Fargo" lately, and he scares the [bleep] out of me.
Ernest Wilkins: The most famous rapper they'll have to here goes from Nelly to Atmosphere. Now that's a transition!
Elliott Serrano: The accents of the hotel staff? Speaking of hotels, where's the ice machine?
Sarah Spain: The groupies.
5. What will Patrick Kane's next spectacular goal look like? Elliott Serrano: Sarah Spain: Elise De Los Santos: Ernest Wilkins: Jay St. Pierre:
Elise De Los Santos: Look, Ma, no hands!
Jay St. Pierre: A backwards-between-the-legs-Serena-Williams-esque shot.
Ernest Wilkins: Two words: Knuckle. Puck.
Elliott Serrano: Like this drink in my hand: cool and oh-so- sweet.
Sarah Spain: So beautiful it will be invisible to the naked eye. Only dogs will hear the goal horn.