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redeyechicago.com

Av nots

So many marijuana jokes, so little time.

RedEye

4:56 PM CST, January 12, 2014

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1. Why have the Hawks had so much trouble with Colorado this season?
Tracy Swartz: Chicago was unprepared for the Avalanche this winter.
Kate Bernot: Jealousy over marijuana legalization has clouded the Hawks' vision. Relax, dudes.
Soxman: It is the Mile High State, where many dreams LEGALLY now go up in smoke.
Mick Swasko: We've always struggled with a bunch of Pot Holes.
Stanley's Cup: It's all a smoke screen, if you ask me.
2. Who said this: "I can still be crazy but I'm a lot calmer now"?
Tracy Swartz: Jo Noah! Long hair, do care.
Kate Bernot: Lindsay Lohan. And I don't believe her.
Soxman: Hank Aaron's shadow, or the baseball player who lives in it -- BALCO Bonds.
Mick Swasko: Chicago's winter, apparently.
Stanley's Cup: Patrick Kane, when his mom is around.
3. If the Spurs are the "gold standard," per Tom Thibodeau, what are the Bulls?
Tracy Swartz: Pacers aside, the Bulls are the lead standard.
Kate Bernot: SHINY! Um, but really -- looking good lately, guys.
Soxman: The bronze standard. They make it to the playoffs but can't take it all.
Mick Swasko: The Bitcoin standard.
Stanley's Cup: The titanium standard? Whatever it is they need to fix Derrick Rose's knees.
4. How would you celebrate a bid to the NCAA tournament?
Tracy Swartz: Being a Gators fan, I don't know how not to celebrate a bid.
Kate Bernot: The day my alma mater, Northwestern, makes it to the tourney is the day I dye my hair purple.
Soxman: I'd fill out a bracket and (in my Dr. Evil voice) try to win 1 BILLION DOLLARS!
Mick Swasko: I went to Illinois State University. I lose my [bleep] for the NIT.
Stanley's Cup: With bottomless champagne. Duh.
5. Create a nickname for NFL free agency season.
Tracy Swartz: The Bachelor.
Kate Bernot: Spring fever. (Hey, you find something to rhyme with "frenzy of flying cash wads.")
Soxman: March Madness is out, so how about the Shamrock Shake-up?
Mick Swasko: The boring thing before actual football.
Stanley's Cup: Cup Check Time.