1.Fewer Cubs-Sox games in 2013 means ...
Tracy Swartz: ... no more sloppy Second City. Lots of shame in our game.
Evil Super Computer: ... fewer events I have to rig (how else do you think the Sox win all the time?).
Alex Quigley: ... less chances to trash-talk Sox fans. That's a shame.
Jimmy Greenfield: ... they'll have to save the second series for October.
Bag Boy: ... fans will realize winning the BP Cup isn't a relevant goal.
2. Who will be the next Cub to be traded?
Tracy Swartz: It's a no Bryan, er, brain-er.
Evil Super Computer: The manual scoreboard. All part of the machines' plan to take over Earth!
Alex Quigley: In an upset that no one sees coming: Kevin Orie.
Jimmy Greenfield: If there's a God ... Alfonso Soriano. If there's not a God ... God, er, Anthony Rizzo.
Bag Boy: "Don't worry. You won't be a Cub for long."
3. What's the best part about a hockey game at Soldier Field?
Tracy Swartz: Fans are used to low scores.
Evil Super Computer: The cold. We computers can't stand overheating.
Alex Quigley: Postgame grudge-fighting on a frozen Lake Michigan.
Jimmy Greenfield: Finally, the grounds crew can't screw up the playing surface.
Bag Boy: Watching people try to pee in a sink. Oh, wait, that was the old Soldier Field.
4. Eddie Olczyk made it into the U.S. Hockey Hall of Fame. What's he win?
Tracy Swartz: Since we share the same birthday, something with icing.
Evil Super Computer: An online subscription to Hard Drive Monthly.
Alex Quigley: Paulina Gretzky? I would choose Paulina Gretzky.
Jimmy Greenfield: He gets to be an even bigger local legend. Is this guy not awesome?
Bag Boy: A new car! Actually, I think it's just a medal. I’ve seen 'em on e-Bay.
5. Why is Northern Illinois going to play a college basketball game at 7 a.m.?
Tracy Swartz: Because a fast break is better than a breakfast.
Evil Super Computer: Because humans are more susceptible to suggestion when they're groggy. BWAHAHAHAHA!
Alex Quigley: They're hoping the Valpo players will still be asleep.
Jimmy Greenfield: They're huge in Japan.
Bag Boy: Why, it's all for an ESPN event! That behemoth is really running our lives, isn't it?