It's the most anticipated NBA season in Los Angeles history, so what are we waiting for?
Oct. 30 — The Lakers defeat the Dallas Mavericks by 55 points in the season opener. At least, this is the rumor. Nobody actually sees the game after it is revealed that Time Warner not only bought the Lakers' cable rights, but the live rights, meaning the entire home season will take place in Jim Buss' backyard while the neighbors are charged $3.95 per peek.
Oct. 31 — The Clippers defeat the Memphis Grizzlies by 55 points in the season opener. This being Halloween, Blake Griffin dresses like Kevin Love and turns in his most complete game. DeAndre Jordan gets the hint and dresses like Dwight Howard. Lamar Odom misses the memo and dresses like Bruce Jenner.
Nov. 2 — The Lakers beat the Clippers by a point in their first meeting of the season. The game is briefly delayed when Matt Barnes, confused about his allegiances, picks a fight with pretty much everybody.
Nov. 13 — After beginning the season with seven consecutive victories, the Lakers finally lose against San Antonio, placing Metta World Peace's prediction of 102 victories in jeopardy.
Nov. 21 — After starting the season with nine wins in their first 10 games, the Clippers lose badly at Oklahoma City. Sources who say Vinny Del Negro will soon be fired engage in parking-lot brawl with sources who say he has already been fired. Chauncey Billups attempts to settle the dispute by directing a search of the bench, saying, "I know he's around here somewhere."
Dec. 6 — On a night off for both teams, three unemployed men sporting eight-month-old beards are arrested for breaking into Staples Center and scratching the floor with ice skates while screaming something about somebody named Stanley.
Dec. 7 — After holding Russell Westbrook to 58 tough points in a loss to Oklahoma City, the Lakers' Steve Nash angrily says, "Hey, this isn't easy, I'd like see another 50-year-old get out there and … oops."
Dec. 9 — The Lakers celebrate a victory over Utah while lauding the return of Kobe Bryant, who has spent the last five weeks "fixing" his sore foot while playing for the German national team.
Dec. 13 — Holding court during the team's first visit to New York, potential free agent Dwight Howard says he always wanted to play for the Knicks.
Dec. 14 — Holding court in Washington, Howard says he always wanted to play for the Wizards
Dec. 22 — Holding court in Seattle, Howard says he always wanted to play for the SuperSonics, at which point someone gently reminds him that there are no SuperSonics, and what is he doing here? The confused Howard immediately catches a plane for that night's game at Golden State, arriving just in time to pass it out T-shirts reading, "Superman Loves Oakland."
Dec. 25 — The Lakers and Clippers play a Christmas Day doubleheader at home, a wonderfully cheery event that ensures every single hard-working Staples Center employee will have their holiday completely and utterly ruined.
Dec. 28 — The Lakers host the Portland Trail Blazers in the middle of the college football bowl season. In honor of the occasion, USC's Lane Kiffin visits Staples Center, which may account for the fact that Kobe Bryant takes the floor wearing No. 16 while Pau Gasol is wearing No. 24.
Jan. 11 — The Lakers lose to Oklahoma City at Staples Center, falling to 30-6 for the season. Kobe Bryant openly wonders, if the "Princeton offense" is so good, how come those Princeton dudes don't have any rings? Hoping to copy a championship strategy that is consistently run by highly paid professionals, he decides to switch to the "Kentucky offense."
Jan. 14 — The Clippers lose at Memphis, falling to 25-13, but the big news is that Vinny Del Negro surfaces from over Chris Paul's left shoulder to announce that, yes, he has been coaching them all along. All sources reach a truce and immediately agree that he will be fired any second now.
Jan. 17 — In a showdown at Staples Center, the Lakers are blown out by the Miami Heat after their bench is outscored 102-0. Kobe Bryant immediately pulls Steve Blake's scholarship, and would do the same to Chris Duhon except, well, um, he hasn't yet learned his name.
Jan. 27 — The Lakers not only win a nationally televised game with Oklahoma City, but Dwight Howard soundly defeats Russell Westbrook and Kevin Durant in a postgame battle of Dumb Giant Nerd Glasses.
Feb. 8 — With his Clippers teammates watching in amazement, Blake Griffin ends a game in Miami by unleashing a soaring, twisting, turning, adjective-draining somersault dunk in the final seconds. His teammates are amazed because the Clippers were trailing by three.
Feb. 10 — Following the Clippers into Miami, the Lakers defeat the Heat on a Pau Gasol tip-in. The victory is marred when Duhon, attempting to get Bryant to talk to him, severely strains his hip while trying to fit more accolades under his belt.
March 12 — Holding court in Orlando, Dwight Howard says he always wanted to play for the … You think he won't say it? I'll bet you right now he says it.
April 1 — In a junior varsity prelude to the Clippers' night game against the Indiana Pacers at Staples Center, the San Francisco Giants celebrate baseball's opening day with a 12-2 win over the Dodgers at Chavez Ravine, placing Metta World Peace's prediction of 234 Dodgers victories in jeopardy.
Early May — The Lakers and Clippers each survive the first round of the playoffs to face each other in the Hallway Series. The Lakers will win the series and eventually advance to the NBA Finals, where they fall to the Heat in seven games. From his new seat in the broadcast booth, Vinny Del Negro announces that his sources tell him that Mike Brown is absolutely, positively gone.
A day later, Time Warner will finally reach agreement with Los Angeles' major television providers to show all Lakers games. This season's reruns will begin immediately as part of a star-studded series hosted by Smush Parker.