www.redeyechicago.com/sports/ct-red-fives-0214,0,2571738.htmlstory

redeyechicago.com

No love

6:50 PM CDT, July 19, 2012

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1. How are Chicago sports like Valentine's Day?
Matt Pais: Spending $100 on a teddy bear will get you nowhere. That commercial is ridiculous.
Shaun Davis: Talk about investing in an eventual letdown. #heartandmoney
Jane Monzures: It's feast or famine and you never know if there will be a happy ending.
Kat Velez: Not at all, because I actually care about Chicago sports.
T.J. Jagodowski: You like to get wined and dined before a little before you get [bleep]ed.
2. Derrick Rose at 110 percent is like ...
Matt Pais: ... a stock exchange I do not understand. Similar to several other stock exchanges.
Shaun Davis: ... the "Megamind" version of Barry Bonds. Bulls win 73* next year.
Jane Monzures: ... champagne, a dozen roses, a box of chocolates and a diamond ring!
Kat Velez: I tried to answer this, but then the Bulls cut me off. Weird.
T.J. Jagodowski: ... Brandon Knight at 164 percent.
3. What can the Cubs learn from Kerry Wood as their spring instructor?
Matt Pais: Longevity is overrated. First get good, though.
Shaun Davis: Definitely how to comport yourself as a lovable loser.
Jane Monzures: Since we already know they're not going to win, at least they can learn how to be really awesome guys.
Kat Velez: How to suffer through failure after failure after failure.
T.J. Jagodowski: How to make a really serviceable three-bean chili.
4. Now that the Olympics have dropped wrestling, what should they add?
Matt Pais: Long-distance trampoline hurdles. Absolutely horrifying that's not a sport yet.
Shaun Davis: MMA. Just totally take the wind out of boxing. #bodyblow
Jane Monzures: Olympic coach for bikini car washing, duh.
Kat Velez: Baseball and softball. Again. Jerks.
T.J. Jagodowski: Falling from heights.
5. What will Johnny Knox do now that the Bears let him go?
Matt Pais: Wonder why anyone pays Kellen Davis ever. What do you nickname a guy who's the opposite of "Hands"?
Shaun Davis: Retire and give thanks for literally being able to walk away from the game.
Jane Monzures: Bikini car washing, of course.
Kat Velez: Become the gold-themed superhero he was destined to be.
T.J. Jagodowski: Be the fastest Willie the Wildcat Abilene Christian ever had.