1. What should the Bears give Vikings QB Christian Ponder for his engagement?
Phil Thompson: A monogrammed cleat to the groin. Thanks, Ndamukong Suh.
Tracy Swartz: A bended knee.
Shaun Davis: Give him an owner's manual on how to hand the ball to A.D.
Jimmy Greenfield: Candlesticks always make a nice gift, maybe a place-setting or a silverware pattern.
Bag Boy: Give him what all NFL QBs are getting: a concussion.
2. What will the Bulls say to Ronnie Brewer when they play the Knicks on Saturday?
Phil Thompson: "Here are the keys, don't scratch the paint."
Tracy Swartz: "Your winsanity streak comes to an end tonight."
Shaun Davis: "What?! You still can't find your jumper?"
Jimmy Greenfield: "You do realize you're not being guarded while shooting free throws, right?"
Bag Boy: "You are slow and average. You would fit in here."
3. Welcome Jeff Keppinger to the White Sox.
Phil Thompson: "Welcome, Jeff. I read somwhere that you hate losing. And you came to Chicago?"
Tracy Swartz: Sorry, I'm against any Adopt-a-'Dawg program.
Shaun Davis: "Welcome, Kep! Avoid the `can't get a man in from third with less than two outs' flu."
Jimmy Greenfield: "You'll know you're a South Sider when your signing is trumped by a Theo Epstein bowel movement."
Bag Boy: "I had a bottle of Keppingers once, pre-war. Good stuff."
4. What's with all the Cubs-related hunting injuries?
Phil Thompson: Well, when your manager looks like Elmer Fudd ...
Tracy Swartz: Beware during the playoffs. That may be the Cubs' only "shot" at a World Series.
Shaun Davis: LOL. I know all you guys wanted was a shot at the World Series, but that might be as close as you get.
Jimmy Greenfield: They should just be glad Cubs fans aren't very good shots.
Bag Boy: I don't know, but Dick Cheney is set to appear at the Cubs Convention.
5. NHL players and owners' lips are sealed these days. What aren't they telling us? Tracy Swartz: Phil Thompson: Jimmy Greenfield: Shaun Davis: Bag Boy:
Phil Thompson: I don't know, I wouldn't be able to hear them anyway over all the not-giving-a-care.
Tracy Swartz: Sealed lips are a sign of no talking.
Shaun Davis: That Gary Bettman dresses like David Stern in an attempt to bully the union.
Jimmy Greenfield: That they're big fans of the Go-Gos.
Bag Boy: That they're really tired and secretly hoping for half a season.