1. How will the Bears handle playing without Brian Urlacher?
|Ben Johnson: They'll be fine. They've been playing without an offensive line all year.|
|Matt Pais: The same way they handle playing without Jay Cutler: poorly.|
|Jane Monzures: What do you mean? I thought they would just remove the hamstring and Urlacher could still play.|
|Kat Velez: Poorly, if history holds up.|
|Stick Figure: Schedule a play date with Lance Briggs instead, silly!|
2. Cubs manager Dale Sveum was shot in the ear while on a hunting trip. Insert joke here.
|Ben Johnson: I just hope it's not his bullpen-calling ear.|
|Matt Pais: No thanks.|
|Jane Monzures: Good news, actually. Now the boos will be a little quieter this year!|
|Kat Velez: If it affects his hearing, he won't have to listen to Cubs fans' whining this year.|
|Stick Figure: Why did the chicken cross the road?|
3. Why are the Cubs so sure Carlos Marmol is their closer?
|Ben Johnson: He and Sveum decided on it during their annual hunting trip.|
|Matt Pais: Because he's never caused them any problems before. Excluding those 500 examples.|
|Jane Monzures: Because the Cubs don't want anyone to feel unwanted except for the World Series trophy.|
|Kat Velez: Because he might have hinted that other people could get shot if he isn't.|
|Stick Figure: He proooomised he'd play good this time.|
4. The New Orleans Hornets are changing their name to the Pelicans. Thoughts?
|Ben Johnson: They should call themselves the Mormon Bigamists until Utah relinquishes "Jazz."|
|Matt Pais: Yes. That is ridiculous. It sounds like a junior high team. How about New Orleans Horns?|
|Jane Monzures: They were going for a New Orleans feel, but the name Passed Out On Bourbon Street was too long.|
|Kat Velez: I can't wait to see this logo.|
|Stick Figure: Pretty birds are better than stinging insects.|
5. What can you tell us about the Chicago Wolves?
|Ben Johnson: That's the bad guy team at Medieval Times, right?|
|Matt Pais: They are a hockey team. I have watched and attended zero games. Go Wolves!|
|Jane Monzures: They've been spotted all over town canoodling with the coyotes.|
|Kat Velez: Eddie Lack's Twitter account (@eddielack) will put a smile on your face. Guaranteed.|
|Stick Figure: They are carnivores. (That means they eat meat!)|