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redeyechicago.com

Five on Five: Ham-strung

These 5 are using Brian Urlacher's injury as a vehicle for humor. Because we told them to.

By Chris Sosa, @redeyesportschi

6:50 PM CDT, July 19, 2012

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1. How will the Bears handle playing without Brian Urlacher?
Ben Johnson: They'll be fine. They've been playing without an offensive line all year.
Matt Pais: The same way they handle playing without Jay Cutler: poorly.
Jane Monzures: What do you mean? I thought they would just remove the hamstring and Urlacher could still play.
Kat Velez: Poorly, if history holds up.
Stick Figure: Schedule a play date with Lance Briggs instead, silly!
2. Cubs manager Dale Sveum was shot in the ear while on a hunting trip. Insert joke here.
Ben Johnson: I just hope it's not his bullpen-calling ear.
Matt Pais: No thanks.
Jane Monzures: Good news, actually. Now the boos will be a little quieter this year!
Kat Velez: If it affects his hearing, he won't have to listen to Cubs fans' whining this year.
Stick Figure: Why did the chicken cross the road?
3. Why are the Cubs so sure Carlos Marmol is their closer?
Ben Johnson: He and Sveum decided on it during their annual hunting trip.
Matt Pais: Because he's never caused them any problems before. Excluding those 500 examples.
Jane Monzures: Because the Cubs don't want anyone to feel unwanted except for the World Series trophy.
Kat Velez: Because he might have hinted that other people could get shot if he isn't.
Stick Figure: He proooomised he'd play good this time.
4. The New Orleans Hornets are changing their name to the Pelicans. Thoughts?
Ben Johnson: They should call themselves the Mormon Bigamists until Utah relinquishes "Jazz."
Matt Pais: Yes. That is ridiculous. It sounds like a junior high team. How about New Orleans Horns?
Jane Monzures: They were going for a New Orleans feel, but the name Passed Out On Bourbon Street was too long.
Kat Velez: I can't wait to see this logo.
Stick Figure: Pretty birds are better than stinging insects.
5. What can you tell us about the Chicago Wolves?
Ben Johnson: That's the bad guy team at Medieval Times, right?
Matt Pais: They are a hockey team. I have watched and attended zero games. Go Wolves!
Jane Monzures: They've been spotted all over town canoodling with the coyotes.
Kat Velez: Eddie Lack's Twitter account (@eddielack) will put a smile on your face. Guaranteed.
Stick Figure: They are carnivores. (That means they eat meat!)