1. The next time the Bears win in San Francisco ...
Jim Walsh: Not gonna happen. Mayan apocalypse, bro.
Stick Figure: ... we'll probably be able to teleport there.
Soxman: ... Rice-A-Roni won't be the only San Francisco treat.
Brad Zibung: ... will never happen again since the 49ers are moving to Santa Clara.
Ernest Wilkins: ... hopefully they won't get the Tenderloin beat out of them. Whoodamn.
2. How can the Bears recover after two straight ugly losses?
Jim Walsh: Do a medicine dance or whatever to heal Cutler's brain faster.
Stick Figure: Get plenty of rest and fluids. Or buy some different losses, if they're available.
Soxman: Take a page from the 1983 White Sox and WIN ugly.
Brad Zibung: Knock the snot out of the Vikings next week.
Ernest Wilkins: Inspirational "getting back on track" montage set to Frank Stallone's "Far From Over"?
3. What's the best part about Maryland and Rutgers joining the Big Ten?
Jim Walsh: Conference names have now completely lost all meaning.
Stick Figure: Crab cakes at tailgates and arenas, I hope.
Soxman: The ACC no longer moves like a turtle and avoids the same ol' rut.
Brad Zibung: Not sure, but I heard Rutgers is the Purdue of New Jersey, so we've got that going for us.
Ernest Wilkins: Delusional Big Ten fans trying to get hyped about a Minnesota-Rutgers game.
4. How will the Bulls greet Omer Asik when they play Houston on Wednesday?
Jim Walsh: They'll kick it "Wire" style. Omer comin'! Omer comin'!
Stick Figure: Wearing space suits! They should return them when they're done, though.
Soxman: Celebrate his Turkish roots this Thanksgiving by smoking the turkey.
Brad Zibung: Trade for him.
Ernest Wilkins: Better question: What should I say to commemorate the Florida-Florida State game?
5. Congratulate the Fire's Austin Berry on being named MLS Rookie of the Year.
Jim Walsh: "Nice job, Austin."
Stick Figure: "Woohoo! Now let's go get crab cakes!"
Soxman: I won't razz Berry! The fruits of his play got the Fire out of many jams.
Brad Zibung: "Way to go, Austin! Will they make a movie about you like they did Henry Rowengartner?"
Ernest Wilkins: Let the best team win. LOL J/K. Bleep the bleepin' Gators and everything they stand for. Go Noles.