www.redeyechicago.com/sports/ct-red-1120-fives,0,1250691.htmlstory

redeyechicago.com

Five on Five: Big Tense

The Big Ten wanted to add these five, but they'd rather write jokes for you instead

6:50 PM CDT, July 19, 2012

Advertisement

1. The Big Ten is adding two more teams. Where does it end?
Pat Tomasulo: Two words: Southern Miss.
Evil Super Computer: When the machines take over, of course! BWAHAHAHA!
Clark Jones: It will end with a sad funeral for the Morbidly Obese 100.
John Dooley: I won't rest until Chicago State gets its due.
Angi Taylor: The Big TEN(S).
2. Notre Dame football being ranked No. 1 means ...
Pat Tomasulo: ... I have to block another 8,000 people on Facebook.
Evil Super Computer: ... my work here is done.
Clark Jones: ... NBC will be able to afford to bradcast more of their games -- and episodes of "Whitney."
John Dooley: ... it's just like 1993 again! Only this time I don't have horrific acne and girls talk to me.
Angi Taylor: ... Lou Holtz's predictions are finally right after years of getting eye rolls.
3. How can Bears receiver Alshon Jeffery "take it to another notch"?
Pat Tomasulo: Get a new bed post.
Evil Super Computer: Just turn the dial, dummy.
Clark Jones: First by looking up the word "notch."
John Dooley: Maybe switch up his first and last names. Jeffrey Alshon is tougher, versatile.
Angi Taylor: Any chance he can play QB?
4. What was Jay Cutler thinking during the Bears game Monday?
Pat Tomasulo: "Pffft, whatever."
Evil Super Computer: "How can I save money on my flight home for Thanksgiving? Better ask Evil Super Computer."
Clark Jones: "This guy is playing like he's No. 2! Oh, wait ..."
John Dooley: "I could totally be on national TV acting like a douche right now. This stinks."
Angi Taylor: "4 + 4 = 9" (Get it? A concussion joke?)
5. Northern Illinois football has won 10 straight. What's the team's secret?
Pat Tomasulo: There are no distractions in DeKalb.
Evil Super Computer: Robotic arms.
Clark Jones: Replacement refs.
John Dooley: Visiting teams aren't trying. They're just trying to get out of DeKalb as soon as possible.
Angi Taylor: Jordan! (Lynch)