1. When will it be appropriate to panic about the Bears?
Phil Thompson: The first time Lovie says, "Jason Campbell is my quarterback."
Tracy Swartz: At the end of the game, when it's wide spread.
Alex Quigley: With this defense? Never. Ever.
Jimmy Greenfield: When Jay Cutler is asked how he's feeling and after a long wait he replies, "Mayonnaise."
Bag Boy: We're still about two concussions away from panic mode, but we'll get there.
2. If Jonathan Toews leaves to play in Europe ...
Phil Thompson: ... then the Hawks' locker room culture totally won't be affected. Anyone care for a beignet?
Tracy Swartz: ... he'll be Jon, but not forgotten.
Alex Quigley: ... he'll have to deal with people misspelling his name in multiple languages.
Jimmy Greenfield: ... he can just stay there! Until the Hawks play again, then I'll pay for the flight.
Bag Boy: ... huge loss. For him. Hockey skanks don't bathe over there.
3. Why is Bulls merchandise selling so well?
Phil Thompson: Three words: Matador bikini calendar.
Tracy Swartz: It's a steal.
Alex Quigley: What else do hockey fans have to buy right now?
Jimmy Greenfield: Every item comes with a tiny piece of Derrick Rose's torn ligament.
Bag Boy: Red and black. Two coolest colors around.
4. What would be the Chicago equivalent of Maryland's "Black Ops" uniforms?
Phil Thompson: Blackhawk Down?
Tracy Swartz: In Chicago, I don't want to know what's under covers.
Alex Quigley: Those 75th anniversary throwback Bears jerseys looked like camo. Uh, kinda.
Jimmy Greenfield: Black armbands for anyone attending a Cubs game.
Bag Boy: Bears. Dark navy pants, dark navy tops. Helmets have visors, players carry knives.
5. Magic Johnson is upset that the Lakers didn't hire Phil Jackson. Cheer him up.
Phil Thompson: "Phil, in life there are ups zen downs."
Tracy Swartz: Sorry, the only Magic who can be cheered up is Magic Mike.
Alex Quigley: "YOU ARE ALIVE, MAGIC."
Jimmy Greenfield: "I just sent you a lovely assortment of pears. All is well."
Bag Boy: "Hey Magic, it's Bag Boy. You're worth 770 million dollars. Does that help?"