What you know about the Bears CAN hurt you

Sometimes I wish I didn't know anything about football.

Because if I didn't, I might have enjoyed Sunday's two-point disaster against Detroit. I might even be smiling now, just like the bartender who served me and my friends during the game.

For instance, when Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall hooked up on the opening drive for three straight completions capped by a 32-yard pass and a 7-0 lead, the chipper bartender said, "We got a goal! Uh, a touchdown!" And then she laughed and said, "I don't watch a lot of sports."

And in the second quarter, after Michael Bush was stuffed on a pivotal fourth-and-1 with the Bears in field goal range, she made an "aw shucks" face and said, "Boy, he didn't get far enough, did he?"

And in the fourth quarter, after Alshon Jeffery's touchdown was reversed and a Robbie Gould field goal made it 14-13 Lions, she looked cheerfully at the score and announced, "The Bears are losing by only one point. That's pretty good!"

And later in the fourth, after the Bears failed to convert a game-tying two-point conversion and lined up for an onside kick, she asked, "How can we score just two points?"

"We can't," I said. "We need to get this onside kick, and then we need a field goal, which is three points."

"That's exactly what we need!" she exclaimed.

Then Gould's onside attempt bounced into the arms of Detroit's Joique Bell, and she snapped her fingers and said, "That went right to the blue guy," and continued taking drink orders.

She was still smiling, of course, because she didn't know that losing to the Lions is like losing a 40-yard-dash to your 8-year-old nephew because you politely gave him a two-second head start and then accidentally tripped on your shoelaces. And she definitely didn't know the Bears did that twice this year. Or that they are now 5-4 and basically two games behind first-place Detroit.

"I hope you all had fun!" she said as we left.

Ignorance is bliss.

Jack M Silverstein is a RedEye special contributor.

Want more? Discuss this article and others on RedEye Sports' Facebook page

Copyright © 2015, RedEye
Related Content
  • NFL: Detroit Lions at Chicago Bears

    NFL: Detroit Lions at Chicago Bears

    Bears wide receiver Alshon Jeffery reacts after dropping a pass in the end zone against Detroit on Sunday at Soldier Field.

  • Lollapalooza style portraits

    Lollapalooza style portraits

    Concertgoers pose at the three-day fest in Grant Park.

  • Lolla day 2: Best and worst, plus superlatives

    Lolla day 2: Best and worst, plus superlatives

    And just like that, there’s only one day left of Lolla. Here’s what stood out to us from day 2. Best: The Tallest Man on Earth: Maybe it was just a right-mood, right-set situation, but boy this was the perfect mid-day act to take a breather, sit in the sun, and just chill and listen to and enjoy....

  • 50 Cent at Parliament and Wyclef Jean at The Underground

    50 Cent at Parliament and Wyclef Jean at The Underground

    Shots in The Dark at Parliament Nightclub with 50 Cent and The Underground Nightclub with Wyclef Jean and Joey Fatone July 31st

  • Lolla day 1: Best and worst, plus superlatives

    Lolla day 1: Best and worst, plus superlatives

    One day down! Here’s the best and worst we saw at Lolla on Friday, plus a few superlatives from day 1. Best: Anyone who knows me knows I was bound to pick Paul McCartney as my favorite act of the day. The Beatle came out and gave it his all with more than two hours of hits, tributes and jokes about...

  • Lolla day 1: Let's just rename it Paul-apalooza

    Lolla day 1: Let's just rename it Paul-apalooza

    What can you really say about Sir Paul McCartney, the former Beatle, pop music pioneer, worldwide cultural icon, and all-around great guy, that hasn't already been said? I mean, seriously. With the Beatles changing music for the better, becoming a pop culture institution and being "more popular...