Trash-talk your way through the Bears' woes

Despite Brandon Marshall's super-strong best-friend hopes for Jay Cutler's recovery, the quarterback will miss Monday's tilt at Lambeau. He'll miss the next week against Detroit, too, and the Bears' playoff hopes will be all but over because of tiebreakers.

That leaves a whole lot of football to be played for a whole lot of nothin'. You're gonna need assistance getting through the rest of the season. Let us help with your trash talkin'.

For Monday vs. Packers

Packers fans know they've had our number recently, so it's not an easy task to take down Titletown. Hit 'em where it hurts: bring up their 2011 season. Aaron Rodgers had 45 TDs with only six picks! The MVP! Get ready for another Lombardi, people! Then the Pack dropped a 37-20 stinkbomb at home against the N.Y. Giants. Doesn't get the same pub as New England's 18-1 season, but trust me: Packers fans STILL hate that they lost that game.

For Nov. 10 vs. Detroit

Detroit taunts used to be easy. Make fun of the terrible team, toss in a crumbling economy reference, something "RoboCop," boom roasted. Now that Chicago's looking up at the Lions in the standings and "RoboCop" is 25 years old, you've got to resort to dirty pool. Deadpan to your Lions fan "Too bad about Megatron, man, he's a special talent." They'll freak out and assume awesome-but-fragile Calvin Johnson's injured again and frantically thumb their phone looking for injury info. (This will work every single week, actually.)

For Nov. 24 vs. St. Louis

There aren't many St. Louis Rams fans, but if you find one there's a 100 percent chance they're also a Cardinals baseball fan. Wear a cardboard cutout mask of Boston slugger David Ortiz. Say nothing. You won't have to.

For Dec. 1 vs. Minnesota

Congratulate that Vikings fan on signing Tim Tebow. Strike that; they may love this idea and hug you. Tightly.

For Dec. 9 vs. Dallas

Cutler and Lance Briggs should both be back by this game. There's only one great way to rankle a Dallas fan: super-loud, super-obnoxious hoots of "HOW. BOUT. DEM. COWBOYS?!" every time the Bears score. You may get punched. It will be worth it.

For Dec. 29 vs. Green Bay

This game will be meaningless for the Packers, who will have clinched the NFC North by then. Since the Bears may pick up a cheap win, TREAT IT LIKE THE SUPER BOWL.

RedEye special contributor Alex Quigley can be heard on WGN Radio 720. @alexquigley

Want more? Discuss this article and others on RedEye Sports' Facebook page

Copyright © 2015, RedEye
Related Content
  • In NYC building collapse, mayor cites 'inappropriately' tapped gas line; 2 missing
    In NYC building collapse, mayor cites 'inappropriately' tapped gas line; 2 missing

    Someone may have improperly tapped a gas line before an explosion that leveled three apartment buildings and injured nearly two dozen people, Mayor Bill de Blasio said Friday as firefighters soaked the still-smoldering buildings and police searched for at least two missing people.

  • Oklahoma fraternity's racist chant learned on a cruise
    Oklahoma fraternity's racist chant learned on a cruise

    Members of a University of Oklahoma fraternity apparently learned a racist chant that recently got their chapter disbanded during a national leadership cruise four years ago that was sponsored by the fraternity's national administration, the university's president said Friday.

  • Construction ongoing at Wrigley Field
    Construction ongoing at Wrigley Field

    From bleachers to structural details, work to renovate Wrigley Field continues.

  • Emanuel uses borrowing to cope with Daley's debt burden
    Emanuel uses borrowing to cope with Daley's debt burden

    Mayor Rahm Emanuel has reduced spending and increased fines, fees and certain taxes to shrink the chronic budget deficits left over from his predecessor, Richard M. Daley.

  • Six Flags Great America's lost attractions
    Six Flags Great America's lost attractions

    Not every ride's the Willard's Whizzer. That iconic coaster debuted in 1976 when Marriott's Great America, now Six Flags Great America, in Gurnee, Ill., first opened. And it's still popular today. But for every Whizzer there's a Tidal Wave, Shockwave or Z-Force, rides existing only in memory.

  • Denim's just getting started
    Denim's just getting started

    Five years ago, denim-on-denim defied all of the dire warnings in the "Undateable" handbook: Instead of evoking John Denver or Britney Spears in her misstyled youth, chambray shirts paired with darker blue jeans became as cool as actor Johnny Depp and street-style heroine Alexa Chung.