Sports
Sports

Trash-talk your way through the Bears' woes

Despite Brandon Marshall's super-strong best-friend hopes for Jay Cutler's recovery, the quarterback will miss Monday's tilt at Lambeau. He'll miss the next week against Detroit, too, and the Bears' playoff hopes will be all but over because of tiebreakers.

That leaves a whole lot of football to be played for a whole lot of nothin'. You're gonna need assistance getting through the rest of the season. Let us help with your trash talkin'.

For Monday vs. Packers

Packers fans know they've had our number recently, so it's not an easy task to take down Titletown. Hit 'em where it hurts: bring up their 2011 season. Aaron Rodgers had 45 TDs with only six picks! The MVP! Get ready for another Lombardi, people! Then the Pack dropped a 37-20 stinkbomb at home against the N.Y. Giants. Doesn't get the same pub as New England's 18-1 season, but trust me: Packers fans STILL hate that they lost that game.

For Nov. 10 vs. Detroit

Detroit taunts used to be easy. Make fun of the terrible team, toss in a crumbling economy reference, something "RoboCop," boom roasted. Now that Chicago's looking up at the Lions in the standings and "RoboCop" is 25 years old, you've got to resort to dirty pool. Deadpan to your Lions fan "Too bad about Megatron, man, he's a special talent." They'll freak out and assume awesome-but-fragile Calvin Johnson's injured again and frantically thumb their phone looking for injury info. (This will work every single week, actually.)

For Nov. 24 vs. St. Louis

There aren't many St. Louis Rams fans, but if you find one there's a 100 percent chance they're also a Cardinals baseball fan. Wear a cardboard cutout mask of Boston slugger David Ortiz. Say nothing. You won't have to.

For Dec. 1 vs. Minnesota

Congratulate that Vikings fan on signing Tim Tebow. Strike that; they may love this idea and hug you. Tightly.

For Dec. 9 vs. Dallas

Cutler and Lance Briggs should both be back by this game. There's only one great way to rankle a Dallas fan: super-loud, super-obnoxious hoots of "HOW. BOUT. DEM. COWBOYS?!" every time the Bears score. You may get punched. It will be worth it.

For Dec. 29 vs. Green Bay

This game will be meaningless for the Packers, who will have clinched the NFC North by then. Since the Bears may pick up a cheap win, TREAT IT LIKE THE SUPER BOWL.

RedEye special contributor Alex Quigley can be heard on WGN Radio 720. @alexquigley

Want more? Discuss this article and others on RedEye Sports' Facebook page

Copyright © 2015, RedEye
Related Content
  • Lollapalooza style portraits

    Lollapalooza style portraits

    Concertgoers pose at the three-day fest in Grant Park.

  • Lolla day 2: Best and worst, plus superlatives

    Lolla day 2: Best and worst, plus superlatives

    And just like that, there’s only one day left of Lolla. Here’s what stood out to us from day 2. Best: The Tallest Man on Earth: Maybe it was just a right-mood, right-set situation, but boy this was the perfect mid-day act to take a breather, sit in the sun, and just chill and listen to and enjoy....

  • 50 Cent at Parliament and Wyclef Jean at The Underground

    50 Cent at Parliament and Wyclef Jean at The Underground

    Shots in The Dark at Parliament Nightclub with 50 Cent and The Underground Nightclub with Wyclef Jean and Joey Fatone July 31st

  • Lolla day 1: Best and worst, plus superlatives

    Lolla day 1: Best and worst, plus superlatives

    One day down! Here’s the best and worst we saw at Lolla on Friday, plus a few superlatives from day 1. Best: Anyone who knows me knows I was bound to pick Paul McCartney as my favorite act of the day. The Beatle came out and gave it his all with more than two hours of hits, tributes and jokes about...

  • Lolla day 1: Let's just rename it Paul-apalooza

    Lolla day 1: Let's just rename it Paul-apalooza

    What can you really say about Sir Paul McCartney, the former Beatle, pop music pioneer, worldwide cultural icon, and all-around great guy, that hasn't already been said? I mean, seriously. With the Beatles changing music for the better, becoming a pop culture institution and being "more popular...

  • Aldermen looking to stop stores from getting around plastic bag ban

    Aldermen looking to stop stores from getting around plastic bag ban

    Chicago's ban on plastic bags starts to take effect at many big stores Saturday, but an alderman who helped craft the law already is talking about changing it in order to thwart a few large retail chains that he says are trying to skirt the new rules.

Comments
Loading
90°