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redeyechicago.com

Five on Five: Here, kitty kitty!

The ocelot has Josh Beckett on its side. These five? Uh, we┬┐ll get back to you.

6:50 PM CDT, July 19, 2012

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1. How would you make a preseason NBA game more entertaining?
Phil Thompson: Roller skates.
Georgia Garvey: Two words: Donkey juggling.
Alex Quigley: Make it an NHL game?
Jimmy Greenfield: I'd watch it with Bill Murray and change the channel right when it starts.
Bag Boy: Rock N Jock. I know you remember!
2. Why is the NBA regulating pregame handshakes?
Phil Thompson: David Stern must think players do some elaborate jive ritual like it's 1978.
Georgia Garvey: Because they don't believe the free market will correct all handshake inequities.
Alex Quigley: So David Stern can yell "Regulatooooorrrs ... MOUNT UP!" every night.
Jimmy Greenfield: Cooties!
Bag Boy: The Oklahoma City Thunder were taking 90 minutes with their "routines." Enough!
3. How high on your radar is the NHL lockout right now?
Phil Thompson: OK, you know how high Felix Baumgartner started? The lockout is about where he landed.
Georgia Garvey: It's flying pretty much completely under my radar. Maybe if I were Kaner's bartender, I'd care more.
Alex Quigley: Felix Baumgartner-esque.
Jimmy Greenfield: 24 miles high. And if the lockout doesn't end soon, I'm plunging back to Earth.
Bag Boy: Right down there with the WNBA Finals. See? You didn't know that was going on either!
4. An athlete flirting with fans during a game is like ...
Phil Thompson: ... Beyonce auditioning for "American Idol."
Georgia Garvey: ... an Illinois governor going to prison. If it surprises you, you haven't been paying attention.
Alex Quigley: ... the entire career of Mark Grace?
Jimmy Greenfield: ... a Five on Five writer flirting with his readers. Thank God my wife doesn't read this.
Bag Boy: ... pathetic, Alex Rodriguez. Pathetic. Now you're hitless in two areas.
5. Why is Josh Beckett protecting ocelots?
Phil Thompson: Because he drives a Jaguar? I got nothing.
Georgia Garvey: Because he's a complete and total badass. No snark here. That is just cool.
Alex Quigley: Because someone is playing the worst game of Mad Libs ever.
Jimmy Greenfield: Years ago, an ocelot removed a thorn from Beckett's paw.
Bag Boy: The guy doesn't care about baseball while in Boston but he cares about this? I give up.