Sports

6 ways to fix the Bears' defensive line

The most frustrating part of watching Bears games this season comes when they're on defense, a 180 from every year in recorded history. More specifically, the weak spot is the very center of the defense.

Season-ending injuries to tackles Henry Melton and Nate Collins AND middle linebacker D.J. Williams plus underperformance from 2012 1st-round pick Shea McClellin mean the shortest route to the end zone for opponents is right up the gut.

On Thursday we saw Brandon Jacobs—a man who was expected to play in as many NFL games this year as RedEye's mascot, Whizzer—barrel for over 100 yards mostly by running straight ahead. This Sunday the Bears will face the Washington Whatstheirnames, with a running back named Alfred Morris who's averaging over 5 yards per carry.

To stave off a demoralizing Sunday afternoon in Chicago, the Bears need to fix their front line, fast. Possible options include:

1. Trading for a good defensive tackle. This works all the time in fantasy football. The trade deadline isn't until Oct. 29, giving general manager Phil Emery plenty of time to work his magic. Offer up draft picks. Everyone likes draft picks (except us)!

2. Drafting South Carolina superstud Jadeveon Clowney midseason: Since no team has tried to actually do this, I assume the league would have to let the Bears slide just this once.

3. Spice-ing up the defense: former DT Anthony Adams, aka @spiceadams, is available and still living in the northern suburbs. I'm just sayin'.

4. Or if that doesn't work: former DT William "The Refrigerator" Perry, aka @FridgePerry72, is still alive and well. He's 50 and weighs about five bills, but that just says MANDATORY DOUBLE TEAM to me.

5. Further down the depth chart: a large sofa, perhaps even an L-shaped sectional could be found on Craigslist for under $200. Some models have built-in recliners, which would be useful to thwack offensive linemen in the shins. Also, they're soft and cozy.

6. If that's not allowed: have Fermilab create an artificial singularity and start it at nose tackle. Note: the synchrotron radiation emitted by DT Black Hole may interfere with TV and radio signals and life on Earth in general.

But it'd be an improvement.

RedEye special contributor Alex Quigley can be heard on WGN Radio 720. @alexquigley

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Copyright © 2015, RedEye
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