15 fearless Bears predictions

The Bears' Week 1 win gave fans a lot to feel optimistic about. But how can we expect the remaining games to go? Thanks to a free weekend of NFL Sunday Ticket, I watched part or all of every Week 1 game. I'm not saying you should wager your hard-earned money based on this info. But you COULD.

Sunday vs. Minnesota: The Bears should put 12 players "in the box" to stop Adrian Peterson. Sign a guy made of antimatter for the secondary to balance the numbers. Christian Ponder will have four turnovers. (WIN, 2-0)

9/22 at Pittsburgh: Like the bridges across the Monongahela, the Steelers are old, rusty and crumbling. Only nine points against the Titans? (WIN, 3-0)

9/29 at Detroit: Brutal game featuring multiple personal fouls and ejections. Ndamukong Suh bodyslams an ED-209. (LOSS, 3-1)

10/6 vs. New Orleans: The Trestman offense is forced to go fully operational in the face of the potent Saints offense. The Super Bowl-era record for combined points in a game is 106. They'll get close. (WIN, 4-1)

10/10 vs. New York: The Giants are a tire fire one week, world-beaters the next. *flips a coin on desk* Light 'em MUP, MUP, MUP! (WIN, 5-1)

10/20 at Washington: Can I publicly co-sign the "Holy crap, change the name of this team already" petition? Good. It's ridiculous. (LOSS, 5-2)

10/27: There is absolutely no way the Bears will lose on this day.

11/4 at Green Bay: A fortunate post-bye week placement helps the Bears win on Monday night in Titletown for the first time since 1986. You heard me. (WIN, 6-2)

11/10 vs. Detroit: An unfortunate letdown week helps the Lions sweep the Bears for the first time since 2007. (LOSS, 6-3)

11/17 vs. Baltimore: The Ravens were the luckiest Super Bowl champs ever. They're extremely average. (WIN, 7-3)

11/24 at St. Louis: You start writing lyrics for a 2013 "Super Bowl Shuffle" after this one. Hint: "best, man" is a good "Trestman" rhyme. (WIN, 8-3)

12/1 at Minnesota: Adrian Peterson runs through all 12 Bears defenders and punches the antimatter safety in the head. He's that good. (LOSS, 8-4)

12/9 vs. Dallas: Under the "MNF" microscope, Tony Romo's poor decisions are magnified. So are Jerry Jones' cavernous face wrinkles. (WIN, 9-4)

12/15 at Cleveland: (WIN, NO ACTUAL WORDS NECESSARY, 10-4)

12/22 at Philadelphia: Bears clinch a playoff berth. Every last-minute Christmas gift in Chicagoland will have a Bears logo on it. (WIN, 11-4)

12/29 vs. Green Bay: A meaningless game for both playoff-bound teams. Bears bring back Rex Grossman just for fun. (LOSS, 11-5)

Alex Quigley is a RedEye special contributor.

Copyright © 2015, RedEye
Related Content
  • Whole lotta love for the 1-0 Bears

    Whole lotta love for the 1-0 Bears

    Welcome to the new age, Bears fans. The previous regime was all right; it’s not as if Lovie Smith’s 10-6 record in 2012 was a disaster. But when it’s Super Bowl or bust, you need a nuclear-powered offense or defense—or both—to carry you to NFL glory. 

  • Lance Briggs tackles Adrian Peterson

    Lance Briggs tackles Adrian Peterson

    Minnesota running back Adrian Peterson will prove he's invulnerable even to antimatter safeties this season. Yeah, you read that right.

  • Bold predictions for Lolla 2015

    Bold predictions for Lolla 2015

    The Lolla schedule is sort of like the NCAA tournament: there are millions of possible combinations, and it’s anyone’s guess what the winning picks will be. With that in mind, we make some bold predictions about how this year’s fest (returning to Grant Park Fri.-Sun.) will turn out. Breakout artist...

  • 2010 killing of Chicago cop detailed at trial; man claims self-defense

    2010 killing of Chicago cop detailed at trial; man claims self-defense

    The man on trial in the killing of Chicago police Officer Thor Soderberg hated police and surprised the officer as he changed out of his uniform at shift end and placed his duty belt down, a Cook County prosecutor alleged Monday.

  • Aldermen to hold hearing on untested rape kits

    Aldermen to hold hearing on untested rape kits

    Chicago aldermen on Monday called on police officials to provide information on how quickly rape kits are being tested by the state crime lab, part of a largely symbolic effort to determine whether a large backlog is hampering work to apprehend rapists.

  • Alderman's 'Chi-raq' criticism falls flat

    Alderman's 'Chi-raq' criticism falls flat

    A South Side alderman's effort to tweak filmmaker Spike Lee for using "Chi-raq" as the title for a movie about Chicago violence fell flat Monday with his colleagues.

  • ComEd to hold energy fairs to help low-income customers

    ComEd to hold energy fairs to help low-income customers

    Commonwealth Edison will hold energy fairs at satellite locations across the region Monday in order to get money to thousands of people struggling to pay their electricity bills in northern Illinois.

  • PAWS Chicago "Muttshots!"

    PAWS Chicago "Muttshots!"

    These adorable pups are on the loose looking for a place to call home. They have a warrant out for their arrest. Their crime? Being irresistibly cute and cuddly. If you're interested in adopting any of these dogs, please visit for more information.