By Alex Quigley
4:30 PM CDT, September 9, 2013
The Bears' Week 1 win gave fans a lot to feel optimistic about. But how can we expect the remaining games to go? Thanks to a free weekend of NFL Sunday Ticket, I watched part or all of every Week 1 game. I'm not saying you should wager your hard-earned money based on this info. But you COULD.
Sunday vs. Minnesota: The Bears should put 12 players "in the box" to stop Adrian Peterson. Sign a guy made of antimatter for the secondary to balance the numbers. Christian Ponder will have four turnovers. (WIN, 2-0)
9/22 at Pittsburgh: Like the bridges across the Monongahela, the Steelers are old, rusty and crumbling. Only nine points against the Titans? (WIN, 3-0)
9/29 at Detroit: Brutal game featuring multiple personal fouls and ejections. Ndamukong Suh bodyslams an ED-209. (LOSS, 3-1)
10/6 vs. New Orleans: The Trestman offense is forced to go fully operational in the face of the potent Saints offense. The Super Bowl-era record for combined points in a game is 106. They'll get close. (WIN, 4-1)
10/10 vs. New York: The Giants are a tire fire one week, world-beaters the next. *flips a coin on desk* Light 'em MUP, MUP, MUP! (WIN, 5-1)
10/20 at Washington: Can I publicly co-sign the "Holy crap, change the name of this team already" petition? Good. It's ridiculous. (LOSS, 5-2)
10/27: There is absolutely no way the Bears will lose on this day.
11/4 at Green Bay: A fortunate post-bye week placement helps the Bears win on Monday night in Titletown for the first time since 1986. You heard me. (WIN, 6-2)
11/10 vs. Detroit: An unfortunate letdown week helps the Lions sweep the Bears for the first time since 2007. (LOSS, 6-3)
11/17 vs. Baltimore: The Ravens were the luckiest Super Bowl champs ever. They're extremely average. (WIN, 7-3)
11/24 at St. Louis: You start writing lyrics for a 2013 "Super Bowl Shuffle" after this one. Hint: "best, man" is a good "Trestman" rhyme. (WIN, 8-3)
12/1 at Minnesota: Adrian Peterson runs through all 12 Bears defenders and punches the antimatter safety in the head. He's that good. (LOSS, 8-4)
12/9 vs. Dallas: Under the "MNF" microscope, Tony Romo's poor decisions are magnified. So are Jerry Jones' cavernous face wrinkles. (WIN, 9-4)
12/15 at Cleveland: (WIN, NO ACTUAL WORDS NECESSARY, 10-4)
12/22 at Philadelphia: Bears clinch a playoff berth. Every last-minute Christmas gift in Chicagoland will have a Bears logo on it. (WIN, 11-4)
12/29 vs. Green Bay: A meaningless game for both playoff-bound teams. Bears bring back Rex Grossman just for fun. (LOSS, 11-5)
Alex Quigley is a RedEye special contributor.
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