Sports

The other fantasy football

Trash talking has begun and every girlfriend is preparing her "why don't you love me as much as you love Matthew Berry?" speech. God bless fantasy football season.

I applaud all the ladies who play! But unfortunately, women account for only about 20 percent of fantasy football players. Blame it on lack of interest, or football knowledge or timing that directly competes with brunch hours.

Yet none of these things can keep you from playing the game for the real pros: Fantasy Husband!

While it's been a rough offseason for some NFL men (allegations of murder, bringing a gun a plane and cheating at a Vegas craps table) there are still some down-to-earth mega-millionaires to dream about. These are my can't-miss men in Lycra.

1. Dwight Freeney

Aging defensive players are not typically known for their sexiness. But this one is unmarried, a new resident of 75-degree beach weather (in San Diego) and has a spin move that makes grown men in cargo shorts swoon.

2. Adrian Peterson

I'm not entirely convinced he's not a robot. And I'm very into that. Also, Minnesota isn't known for having the hottest broads in the league, so the cheating factor is lowered by .000000001 percent. Very into this also.

3. Aaron Rodgers

He's mad at his buddy Ryan Braun and I am here to feed him cheese curds and PowerAde Zero till he wins the NFC North and then rescues an entire burning nursing home. Also, houses in Green Bay cost $11, so more bang for your buck when planning your (fictitious) dream home.

4. Reggie Wayne

I love anyone in Indianapolis named Reggie: Wayne, Miller, and my mom's caterer. Sweet, silly and no murder charges. Big upside!

5. Roger Goodell

He's hot. Not like how Ben Bernanke is sometimes hot but actually hot. Power suits, fascist attitude and rich dad hair. Keep suspending people; crazy is sexy.

6. Brothers

Between the Harbaughs and the Mannings (including Cooper!), sibling rivalry is very in. Imagine your Thanksgiving tradition but add millions of dollars, maniacal fathers and people drunkenly mocking super bowl rings.

7. Brandon Marshall

He makes the list purely based on proximity. I live in Chicago and there's no way I want to go to blows with Kristin Cavallari over Jay Cutler. I saw how she staked her claim with Stephen, and he was a 16-year-old entitled dork. Awww, she has a type!

8. Tony Dungy

He makes the team just to officiate the wedding.

9. Jerry Jones

To pick up the tab.

10. Ed Hochuli

You don't want the men that have to follow the rules, you want the biceps that enforce them. Not even Betsey Johnson could make zebra print look as good as this uber-ref does.

Megan Gailey is a RedEye special contributor.

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Copyright © 2015, RedEye
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