College football is back and it feels as good as one of those massage chairs from Brookstone no one ever buys.
Let's start with a big "shame on you" to the eight teams that lost to FCS schools in Week 1. Oregon State, South Florida, Iowa State, San Diego State, Kansas State, UConn and South Alabama, please turn in your man card. This is unacceptable.
Shoutout to Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston for setting the world on fire, like I alerted everyone to last week. The youngin' balled so hard to the tune of 356 yards passing and five total TDs. It's hard to imagine he'll repeat those numbers every week, but I'm all in on him and you should be too. Think of it this way. You may not have bought Google stock at the IPO, but it's still early, so come on board and enjoy the ride.
Now on to Week 2.
I get that not everyone is a sports junkie. Between watching TV shows about celebrities jumping off diving boards and refreshing your Facebook feed incessantly, people have a lot on your plate. But since there's a pretty good chance you are going to find yourself in a sports bar this weekend, I figured I'd make sure you don't look like a square. Here is some college football knowledge you can drop that'll help you sound like an expert.
>> Notre Dame plays Michigan. Don't bring up "Rudy" unless you can quote every line. It makes you look like a noob. Also, stay away from the Manti Te'o jokes. That's yesterday's news.
Instead, talk about how you are looking forward to seeing the quarterbacks from each team play: Tommy Rees (Notre Dame) and Devin Gardner (Michigan). Whoever plays better will likely take home the W.
>> No doubt the stylin' and proflin' Johnny Manziel, Texas A&M's quarterback, will come up in conversation. If you are going to talk about him, try and say something positive. Haters are gonna hate—try not to be that person. He reminds me of a college football version of Ravishing Rick Rude. He's a showman and has the hardware to back it up.
Texas A&M has a cupcake game this week before it takes on Alabama in what will be one of the marquee games of the season. Mention this and you'll easily score bonus points.
>> South Carolina takes on Georgia in what is probably the best game of the weekend. It's a make-or-break game for the Bulldogs, who still have a shot at a BCS bowl since their loss to Clemson was out of conference. Lose this game and fans will be calling for coach Mark Richt's job. Win and they get their season rolling again and can shift their focus to LSU in a few weeks.
For the Gamecocks, they've got a two-headed QB monster and a budding stud running back in Mike Davis. What, you thought I was going to lead with Jadeveon Clowney? Clowney is the best player on a very good defense, but there's only so much he can do. Don't expect him to get six sacks and score two TDs. That's not going to happen.
If all else fails and you can't remember any of what I just told you, just do an impression of Lou Holtz and you should be good to go.
You can check out more of Rob's writing at BaconSports.com or on Twitter @BaconSports.Want more? Discuss this article and others on RedEye Sports' Facebook page.