Sports

Wake up and smell the modern, Bears

The great experiment begins.

Can the Bears, always known for middle linebackers and running backs, evolve into a modern NFL franchise? One with an offensive-minded head coach, talented QB and modern-thinking GM?

Of course not. This is Chicago, and we just don't do this!

That won't stop us from trying, so here are some boldless predictions to start the season.

Week 1: Home against the Bengals. To seem more like a Bears coach, Marc Trestman changes his name to Mark Trestman. Nobody notices. Bears lose.

Week 2: J'Marcus Webb homecoming at Soldier Field. First 10,000 fans get shoved for being inadequate at their jobs. Bears win 3-2.

Week 3: After Jon Bostic makes an amazing tackle while watching from the sidelines, coaches make him the permanent starter. Bears still lose at Pittsburgh.

Week 5: Rookie guard Kyle Long generally impresses, but has ups and downs. When he's on, TV analyst Howie Long raves about him. When he's off, he says he was adopted. Bizarre. Bears lose at home vs. Saints.

Week 6: Bears get creamed at home vs. Giants. G-men use an old-fashioned, smashmouth running game and a suffocating defense. Bears brass contemplates going back to that style. Oops.

Week 9: At Green Bay. Jay Cutler improves, throwing only three picks at Lambeau. Bears still lose.

Week 14: Monday nighter! Cowboys in town. In a battle of overrated QB mediocrity, Cutler defeats Tony Romo by really spreading the ball around. He throws to Brandon Marshall and Matt Forte! Signs of progress.

Week 15: Brian Urlacher continues to mumble useless things on Fox Sports 1. TV executives wonder why they hired him. Bears beat the Eagles in Philly.

Week 16—Bears beat Green Bay! Finish 9-7, miss the playoffs. Green Bay of course goes 10-6 to win the division. Yawn.

In the end, Bears decide Cutler is their guy. He makes them pay for years to come.

By that time, fans have moved on to the Northwestern Wildcats AND the Northern Illinois Huskies. Both teams decide to break off and form their own conference—The Mid-Suburban Northwest Conference. No word on a TV network yet, but CLTV is interested.

Now that's silly, but that's what football does to Chicagoans.

Bag Boy is a Redeye special contributor.

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Copyright © 2015, RedEye
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