Sports

Dear Cubs: A Jumbotron isn't nearly enough

It was inevitable that, in putting forth a Wrigley Field renovation plan that was acceptable to the Chicago City Council, the Cubs had to make some concessions. No pedestrian bridge over Clark Street, a smaller Jumbotron, fewer signs. Sadly, Cubs fans also have to give up some the renovations on their wish list. Here are nine fixtures at Wrigley the Cubs forgot about in their plans.

1) Urinal troughs

I'm sure there's a rustic charm to urinating in a giant trough next to dozens of strange men that is lost on us women. After all, male Cubs fans were so concerned about the fate of their beloved giant communal toilets that they lobbied to keep them. But here's the thing: A giant bucket of pee is gross no matter where it's located, including at the ole ballpark. Time to grow up and use the big boy potty, bros.

2) Women's bathrooms

Not that the women are in any better shape when it comes to using the loo at the Friendly Confines. But hey, standing in line for 35 minutes so two surly "bathroom attendants" can glare at you for not tipping is part of Wrigley's old world charm. You didn't need to see every inning anyway.

3) The food

Sure, a giant helmet full of nachos has a certain je ne sais quoi, but there are times when I'd really like a nice wrap, a salad, or even ice cream that doesn't come with a wooden spoon. Is that too much to ask? At least they aren't filling a bag of Fritos with cheese whiz and trying to pass it off as Mexican food like they are on the South Side.

4) Ronnie Woo Woo

Can the Cubs get a mascot who doesn't induce migraines and who doesn't beg you to buy beer for him? Freshly laundered uniforms are considered a bonus.

5) The bullpens

The physical bullpens are ludicrously placed, so close to the field of play that relievers have to be guarded against rogue foul balls and the ensuing concussions. But that's beside the point. This team is in desperate need of a bullpen transplant. The Cubs lead the major leagues in blown saves. A video scoreboard ain't gonna fix that.

6) Garbage cans

I'm sorry, we're you looking for waste receptacles from the 21st century that do not contain an actual hive of honey-producing bees by the fourth inning? Try Target Field.

7) Gary Pressey's repertoire

It's not that I don't enjoy dancing to YMCA, it's just that, in 2013, I don't think it should be the most recent tune played on the organ at Wrigley Field. Fingers crossed that 2014 is the year we finally make it to the 1990s.

8) The odor at the entrance to the Addison Red Line stop

No explanation needed.

9) White Sox fans

No matter how great the renovated Wrigley is, we're still going to have to hear from a bunch of malcontents who will trek across the city just to complain about how much it sucks. Just remember, extended exposure to Hawk Harrelson has been linked to mood disorders. It's not their fault.

Julie DiCaro is a RedEye special contributor.

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