Dear Cubs: A Jumbotron isn't nearly enough

It was inevitable that, in putting forth a Wrigley Field renovation plan that was acceptable to the Chicago City Council, the Cubs had to make some concessions. No pedestrian bridge over Clark Street, a smaller Jumbotron, fewer signs. Sadly, Cubs fans also have to give up some the renovations on their wish list. Here are nine fixtures at Wrigley the Cubs forgot about in their plans.

1) Urinal troughs

I'm sure there's a rustic charm to urinating in a giant trough next to dozens of strange men that is lost on us women. After all, male Cubs fans were so concerned about the fate of their beloved giant communal toilets that they lobbied to keep them. But here's the thing: A giant bucket of pee is gross no matter where it's located, including at the ole ballpark. Time to grow up and use the big boy potty, bros.

2) Women's bathrooms

Not that the women are in any better shape when it comes to using the loo at the Friendly Confines. But hey, standing in line for 35 minutes so two surly "bathroom attendants" can glare at you for not tipping is part of Wrigley's old world charm. You didn't need to see every inning anyway.

3) The food

Sure, a giant helmet full of nachos has a certain je ne sais quoi, but there are times when I'd really like a nice wrap, a salad, or even ice cream that doesn't come with a wooden spoon. Is that too much to ask? At least they aren't filling a bag of Fritos with cheese whiz and trying to pass it off as Mexican food like they are on the South Side.

4) Ronnie Woo Woo

Can the Cubs get a mascot who doesn't induce migraines and who doesn't beg you to buy beer for him? Freshly laundered uniforms are considered a bonus.

5) The bullpens

The physical bullpens are ludicrously placed, so close to the field of play that relievers have to be guarded against rogue foul balls and the ensuing concussions. But that's beside the point. This team is in desperate need of a bullpen transplant. The Cubs lead the major leagues in blown saves. A video scoreboard ain't gonna fix that.

6) Garbage cans

I'm sorry, we're you looking for waste receptacles from the 21st century that do not contain an actual hive of honey-producing bees by the fourth inning? Try Target Field.

7) Gary Pressey's repertoire

It's not that I don't enjoy dancing to YMCA, it's just that, in 2013, I don't think it should be the most recent tune played on the organ at Wrigley Field. Fingers crossed that 2014 is the year we finally make it to the 1990s.

8) The odor at the entrance to the Addison Red Line stop

No explanation needed.

9) White Sox fans

No matter how great the renovated Wrigley is, we're still going to have to hear from a bunch of malcontents who will trek across the city just to complain about how much it sucks. Just remember, extended exposure to Hawk Harrelson has been linked to mood disorders. It's not their fault.

Julie DiCaro is a RedEye special contributor.

Want more? Discuss this article and others on RedEye Sports' Facebook page

Copyright © 2015, RedEye
Related Content
  • Wrigley Jumbotron a huge mistake
    Wrigley Jumbotron a huge mistake

    Being a sports fan and a sportswriter, I have never fully pledged allegiance to the Cubs or White Sox. But I must say I've always had a special place in my heart for Wrigley Field. Throughout its 99-year history, the Friendly Confines has managed to keep its old-school and nostalgic appeal over...

  • 100 years of Wrigley Field photos
    100 years of Wrigley Field photos

    Wrigley Field has seen a lot of history in its 100 years, which the Cubs are celebrating in 2014. Here are some of those Wrigley moments captured on film. See some non-baseball moments at Wrigley here.

  • Wrigley Field's worst singers ever
    Wrigley Field's worst singers ever

    By most accounts, Mr. T and actress Denise Richards have joined the ranks of Wrigley Field's worst 7th-inning stretch singers. Here are some of the others.

  • 'Furious 7': At this point, you know, whatever
    'Furious 7': At this point, you know, whatever

    Muscular, perpetually mumbling bowling pin Dominic Toretto (Human Aggro Crag Vin Diesel) doesn’t just prefer Corona, the beach-branded standard of Mexican beer-flavored water. He won’t even consider trying a Belgian Trappist ale, widely regarded as being among the world’s...

  • '5 to 7' is hot and bothered
    '5 to 7' is hot and bothered

    Not long after hordes of viewers hungry for some good, clean (dirty) spanking action flocked to “Fifty Shades of Grey,” a smaller, better movie comes along that actually contains, you know, passion between its characters.

  • 'While We're Young' is hilariously wise
    'While We're Young' is hilariously wise

    That’s so old-fashioned, Cornelia (Naomi Watts) remarks warmly when 20-somethings Jamie (Adam Driver) and Darby (Amanda Seyfried) say that they’re married. Then they add that their wedding took place in a water tower to the sounds of a mariachi band. And there was a slip...

  • Where do Emanuel, Garcia stand on the issues?
    Where do Emanuel, Garcia stand on the issues?

    Chicago's April 7 runoff election is looming, and there are plenty of people undecided about whether they'll hand Mayor Rahm Emanuel another term or go with the new guy—Cook County Commissioner Jesus "Chuy" Garcia. So we've rounded up the top issues and where the candidates stand to...

  • McDonald's raising its minimum wage, but some say it's not enough
    McDonald's raising its minimum wage, but some say it's not enough

    McDonald's plans to raise starting wages by $1 above the local minimum at select restaurants, just one of the changes on tap as the world's largest fast-food chain tries to win back customers and fend off a union-backed effort to raise pay throughout the industry.