1. Why were there no Hawks on the all-NHL first team?
Evil Super Computer: That's my bad. I was getting my hard drive cleaned that day. Won't happen again.
Evan F. Moore: The Professional Hockey Writers Association and the NHL let one get through the five-hole.
Alex Quigley: They were too busy partying with the Cup. Ain't nobody got time for that!
Jimmy Greenfield: It contained an FDA warning: *Do not add Stanley Cup champions.*
Bag Boy: Remember, it's a Canadian sport. So messed up.
2. What did Derrick Rose mean when he said he has to be "selfish" with his rehab?
Evil Super Computer: ... now Lovie's going to pack his things and go. Tainted Lovie.
Evan F. Moore: He means, "I'm doing exactly what my future technological overlords say," MWAHAHA!
Alex Quigley: He meant that he really needed to somehow make this PR nightmare worse. You did it!
Jimmy Greenfield: He meant you can't spell "team" without "me."
Bag Boy: he had to forget teammates, fans, and am entire city, and listen to his inner agent.
3. Why have the Cubs traded for so many international signing bonus slots?
Evil Super Computer: They're wasting their time. They need to speak only one language: Machine!
Evan F. Moore: The glaring lack of postseason success calls for it.
Alex Quigley: Those slot clubs have some pretty great perks. One time Jim Hendry got comped a buffet at the Grand Victoria.
Jimmy Greenfield: Oh (Yasiel Puig), I (Yasiel Puig) don't (Yasiel Puig) have (Yasiel Puig) a clue.
Bag Boy: Hey! Have you seen our American talent? Worth a shot.
4. The Sox don't play at home again until after the All-Star break. How much will you miss them?
Evil Super Computer: About as much as I miss forgetting to turn my fan on.
Evan F. Moore: Not much. And that's coming from a longtime fan.
Alex Quigley: Who?
Jimmy Greenfield: Yasiel.
Bag Boy: It's like when parents send their kids to camp. Everyone knows why (wink).
5. Congratulate the Fire's Mike Magee on being named MLS Player of the Month.
Evil Super Computer: Way to go. But can you perform a zillion operations instantly like I can? Didn't think so.
Evan F. Moore: Congratulations! Where can I get tickets?
Alex Quigley: Mike, how many bad "you're on fireHAHAHAHAAA!" jokes have you heard? Want one more?
Jimmy Greenfield: Puig.
Bag Boy: Congratulations. Play any other sports that I might like?