1. Why were there no Hawks on the all-NHL first team?
|Evil Super Computer: That's my bad. I was getting my hard drive cleaned that day. Won't happen again.|
|Evan F. Moore: The Professional Hockey Writers Association and the NHL let one get through the five-hole.|
|Alex Quigley: They were too busy partying with the Cup. Ain't nobody got time for that!|
|Jimmy Greenfield: It contained an FDA warning: *Do not add Stanley Cup champions.*|
|Bag Boy: Remember, it's a Canadian sport. So messed up.|
2. What did Derrick Rose mean when he said he has to be "selfish" with his rehab?
|Evil Super Computer: ... now Lovie's going to pack his things and go. Tainted Lovie.|
|Evan F. Moore: He means, "I'm doing exactly what my future technological overlords say," MWAHAHA!|
|Alex Quigley: He meant that he really needed to somehow make this PR nightmare worse. You did it!|
|Jimmy Greenfield: He meant you can't spell "team" without "me."|
|Bag Boy: he had to forget teammates, fans, and am entire city, and listen to his inner agent.|
3. Why have the Cubs traded for so many international signing bonus slots?
|Evil Super Computer: They're wasting their time. They need to speak only one language: Machine!|
|Evan F. Moore: The glaring lack of postseason success calls for it.|
|Alex Quigley: Those slot clubs have some pretty great perks. One time Jim Hendry got comped a buffet at the Grand Victoria.|
|Jimmy Greenfield: Oh (Yasiel Puig), I (Yasiel Puig) don't (Yasiel Puig) have (Yasiel Puig) a clue.|
|Bag Boy: Hey! Have you seen our American talent? Worth a shot.|
4. The Sox don't play at home again until after the All-Star break. How much will you miss them?
|Evil Super Computer: About as much as I miss forgetting to turn my fan on.|
|Evan F. Moore: Not much. And that's coming from a longtime fan.|
|Alex Quigley: Who?|
|Jimmy Greenfield: Yasiel.|
|Bag Boy: It's like when parents send their kids to camp. Everyone knows why (wink).|
5. Congratulate the Fire's Mike Magee on being named MLS Player of the Month.
|Evil Super Computer: Way to go. But can you perform a zillion operations instantly like I can? Didn't think so.|
|Evan F. Moore: Congratulations! Where can I get tickets?|
|Alex Quigley: Mike, how many bad "you're on fireHAHAHAHAAA!" jokes have you heard? Want one more?|
|Jimmy Greenfield: Puig.|
|Bag Boy: Congratulations. Play any other sports that I might like?|
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