Sports
Sports

Zombies! Romance! Strikeouts! Chicago baseball has it all

Now that the Blackhawks season is over, it's time for baseball season in Chicago to officially start.

So here's a quick recap of the 2013 season. The Cubs and White Sox have played some games. The Cubs and White Sox have lost most games. A man named Brian Bogusevic is on the Cubs.

But that doesn't mean the Sox and Cubs aren't worth watching. In fact, bad years are what make good years so enjoyable (in theory, for Cubs fans). And just because something is bad doesn't mean people don't want to see it. Just look at summer movies.

So I thought I could make the Sox and Cubs seem interesting by turning their season into movie pitches:

 

Starlin Castro is playing more like Fidel Castro. He's not hitting, running or playing much defense. And he's supposed to be the franchise player for the Cubs. Sox fans went through the same thing with Gordon Beckham a few years ago.

Starlin Castro in "Don't End Up Like Beckham"

 

There's almost no chance Adam Dunn hits his listed weight (285 pounds) this season, but will he hit Chris Sale's listed weight of 180 (actual weight: probably 108)? This is essentially a better repeat of Dunn's awful 2011 season. And everyone loves sequels!

Adam Dunn in "Not Well Dunn 2"

 

Chris Sale is the best pitcher Chicago has seen since Mark Prior and Kerry Wood. So that'll be cool until he wrecks his arm forever. But right now he's the closest to an Old West gunslinger in Chicago baseball.

Chris Sale in "For Sale: Opponents' Bats, Never Used"

 

Matt Garza, Alfonso Soriano, Kevin Gregg and others are on the block—and even have trade value. Carlos Marmol, Steve Clevenger and Scott Feldman are already history. But what if one of them were accidentally traded for a zombie?!

Theo Epstein and Jed Hoyer in "Dawn of the Deadline"

 

Paul Konerko has struggled. He's basically a shell of what he used to be. "Another zombie movie?" you say. "Of course another zombie movie," I say.

Paul Konerko in "27 Outs Later"

 

Jeff Keppinger has seven extra-base hits. He has started at four positions this year, including DH. There's a very outside chance he plays more positions than gets extra-base hits, which would be pretty cool. Also, very, very sad. I smell an indie rom-com!

Jeff Keppinger in "100 Singles of Summer"


Scott Bolohan is a RedEye special contributor. @scottbolohan

Want more? Discuss this article and others on RedEye Sports' Facebook page

Copyright © 2015, RedEye
Related Content
  • Rating the Cubs and Sox's moves

    Rating the Cubs and Sox's moves

    Maybe it's because they were sick of being overshadowed by the Blackhawks' big moves. Or maybe they're serious about retooling. Whatever the case, the Cubs and Sox were awfully busy Tuesday. So were these moves a single, double, triple or home run?

  • The 10 greatest White Sox of the last 30 years

    The 10 greatest White Sox of the last 30 years

    Chronicling the best of the men in black since 1983.Want more? Discuss this article and others on RedEye's Facebook page. 

  • Vintage photos: 80 years of Old Comiskey Park

    Vintage photos: 80 years of Old Comiskey Park

    As the Crosstown Classic moves to the South Side and U.S. Cellular Field, let us take a look back at Old Comiskey Park, a venue that never got to host a modern-era Red Line series game. It was the scene of some historic moments nonetheless. See our vintage Wrigley Field photos here.

  • 100 years of Wrigley Field photos

    100 years of Wrigley Field photos

    Wrigley Field has seen a lot of history in its 100 years, which the Cubs are celebrating in 2014. Here are some of those Wrigley moments captured on film. See some non-baseball moments at Wrigley here.

  • Lollapalooza style portraits

    Lollapalooza style portraits

    Concertgoers pose at the three-day fest in Grant Park.

  • Lolla day 2: Best and worst, plus superlatives

    Lolla day 2: Best and worst, plus superlatives

    And just like that, there’s only one day left of Lolla. Here’s what stood out to us from day 2. Best: The Tallest Man on Earth: Maybe it was just a right-mood, right-set situation, but boy this was the perfect mid-day act to take a breather, sit in the sun, and just chill and listen to and enjoy....

  • 50 Cent at Parliament and Wyclef Jean at The Underground

    50 Cent at Parliament and Wyclef Jean at The Underground

    Shots in The Dark at Parliament Nightclub with 50 Cent and The Underground Nightclub with Wyclef Jean and Joey Fatone July 31st

  • Lolla day 1: Best and worst, plus superlatives

    Lolla day 1: Best and worst, plus superlatives

    One day down! Here’s the best and worst we saw at Lolla on Friday, plus a few superlatives from day 1. Best: Anyone who knows me knows I was bound to pick Paul McCartney as my favorite act of the day. The Beatle came out and gave it his all with more than two hours of hits, tributes and jokes about...

Comments
Loading
88°