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Zombies! Romance! Strikeouts! Chicago baseball has it all

Now that the Blackhawks season is over, it's time for baseball season in Chicago to officially start.

So here's a quick recap of the 2013 season. The Cubs and White Sox have played some games. The Cubs and White Sox have lost most games. A man named Brian Bogusevic is on the Cubs.

But that doesn't mean the Sox and Cubs aren't worth watching. In fact, bad years are what make good years so enjoyable (in theory, for Cubs fans). And just because something is bad doesn't mean people don't want to see it. Just look at summer movies.

So I thought I could make the Sox and Cubs seem interesting by turning their season into movie pitches:

 

Starlin Castro is playing more like Fidel Castro. He's not hitting, running or playing much defense. And he's supposed to be the franchise player for the Cubs. Sox fans went through the same thing with Gordon Beckham a few years ago.

Starlin Castro in "Don't End Up Like Beckham"

 

There's almost no chance Adam Dunn hits his listed weight (285 pounds) this season, but will he hit Chris Sale's listed weight of 180 (actual weight: probably 108)? This is essentially a better repeat of Dunn's awful 2011 season. And everyone loves sequels!

Adam Dunn in "Not Well Dunn 2"

 

Chris Sale is the best pitcher Chicago has seen since Mark Prior and Kerry Wood. So that'll be cool until he wrecks his arm forever. But right now he's the closest to an Old West gunslinger in Chicago baseball.

Chris Sale in "For Sale: Opponents' Bats, Never Used"

 

Matt Garza, Alfonso Soriano, Kevin Gregg and others are on the block—and even have trade value. Carlos Marmol, Steve Clevenger and Scott Feldman are already history. But what if one of them were accidentally traded for a zombie?!

Theo Epstein and Jed Hoyer in "Dawn of the Deadline"

 

Paul Konerko has struggled. He's basically a shell of what he used to be. "Another zombie movie?" you say. "Of course another zombie movie," I say.

Paul Konerko in "27 Outs Later"

 

Jeff Keppinger has seven extra-base hits. He has started at four positions this year, including DH. There's a very outside chance he plays more positions than gets extra-base hits, which would be pretty cool. Also, very, very sad. I smell an indie rom-com!

Jeff Keppinger in "100 Singles of Summer"


Scott Bolohan is a RedEye special contributor. @scottbolohan

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