Headed to Friday's Blackhawks parade and rally? You're in luck! Reading this paper or e-version as you're literally on the way to the big celebration? Uh … you're too late. YOU GONNA DIE.
I'm here to save you from certain embarrassment and possible death with helpful tips and strategies for maximizing your Blackhawks Victory Rally experience. Think of this as an old-school Nintendo Power Strategy Guide, except Mario and Luigi are replaced by Toews and Kane and inputting the Konami Code on Bryan Bickell will only make him angry.
First and foremost
Wear your Blackhawks gear. All the gear. For the love of Hossa, if you're feeling self-conscious about Hawking it up, then don't bother making the trip. Even if all you've got is a Tony Amonte shirtsey, slap it on. Face paint is a nice touch, as are red-and-black ribbons in your hair. (Guys too.)
Pack light. Pack nothing at all, if possible. Chicago Police have announced that they'll be searching "large" backpacks at the Hutchinson Field entrance, which means they'll search anything as small as your neon-yellow fanny pack you got at Great America back in '94. Maybe bring a bottle of water, your phone/camera/life assistant, and some cash.
When you get whipped into a Blackhawk frenzy, the last thing you want is a heavy bag weighing you down or your wallet flopping into a crowd of 250,000 people with 499,999 stomping legs. And say hi to One-Leg Tony for me; he's been a huge Hawks fan for years.
Forrest Gump had it right. Wear comfortable shoes. No one will care about your 5-inch platform heels with Patrick Sharp's face on them, ladies. They'll be invisible in the sea of humanity. And fellas looking to cas-out with mandals: Don't, unless you want your toes to look like Andrew Shaw's face. (The right side, not the left.)
Don't get drunk. Getting drunk before noon is for rookies. You'll have all afternoon and evening, and plus later you'll have a place to sit down with your buds. And you're gonna want to remember the festivities, because you never know when it'll happen for us again.
Fine, three out of four ain't bad.
RedEye special contributor Alex Quigley can be heard on WGN Radio 720.
Want more? Discuss this article and others on RedEye Sports' Facebook page.