You win, Boston. Just not this series.

EDITOR'S NOTE: In the spirit of sports brotherhood—and trash talk—RedEye and the New England Sports Network have set up a columnist showdown. Chicago vs. Boston. Blackhawks vs. Bruins. Bag Boy vs. NESN hockey writer Mike Cole. Have at it, gentlemen.

Before we begin, a word of thanks.

Thank you for Theo Epstein. Thank you for the blueprint on how to build an organization. We'll muck it up, but thanks.

Thanks for Tom Thibodeau (don't you need these people in Boston? Sheesh). Toughest, smartest coach in the NBA. We'll take him.

And thanks for leading the way out of the abyss. We're right behind you. OK, way behind you. We'll get there. Maybe.

On to the issue at hand. Our cities meet again for all the marbles, first time since 1986. Super Bowl XX. Bears 46, Patriots 10. How is Tony Eason, by the way? I heard he never went outside after that game. Just a rumor.

Hey, this isn't easy for me. Our cities are sisters in shared pain. But when Lord Stanley's Cup is on the line, I fire away.

I have never forgiven you (the Bruins, generally) for that 1967 trade. The worst ever? We send you Phil Esposito for Pit Martin. There were others involved but why mention them? I just ate.

You guys got two Stanley Cups because of that trade. We in Chicago were of course left going, "Wouldn't it be cool if Tony Esposito and Phil Esposito played together?" We'll never know.

This is old-time hockey, straight-up Original Six hockey. I am personally lobbying both teams to a) wear suits and ties to the games and b) travel via rail between Chicago and Boston.

Speaking of old, you guys have Jaromir Jagr? Really?

What time does he have to be back at the home every night?

By the way, nice uniforms. I didn't realize it referred to the Massachusetts statehouse. Oliver Wendell Holmes visited it and called it the center of the solar system. Clearly, Mr. Holmes has never been to Chicago on a weekend.

Look, my favorite hockey player out of Boston isn't Bobby Orr or anyone else. It's Oliver Barrett IV. Stud hockey player out of Harvard, played brilliantly by Ryan O'Neal in "Love Story." Hey, love means never having to say you're sorry. And I won't.

Hey, if not for this Cup thing, we're equals. You have Fenway, we have Wrigley. You had the Garden, we had the Stadium. You had the Celtics dynasty, we had Michael Jordan and the Bulls.

We had Al Capone, you had Whitey Bulger.

How about pop culture. You have Damon and Affleck. We have Belushi, Murray and Vaughn. Yours are prettier. Ours are funnier. We win.

It does bother to me to no end that you guys ended up with the football dynasty Chicago should have had. Sure, we got Ditka and the theatrics. You guys got Belichick and the titles. Your quarterback is spotless, represents the franchise and league beautifully. Ours is the grumpiest, unlikable dude on the planet. Trade you?

Back to hockey. We have the fast skaters, you have the goalie and defense. We may be prettier, you might be tougher. Plus, I love saying Tuukka!

I really don't know who wins this.

Wait. Yes I do. Hockey fans everywhere.

Bag Boy is a RedEye special contributor.

For Mike Cole's counterpoint column, click here.

Want more? Discuss this article and others on RedEye Sports' Facebook page

Copyright © 2015, RedEye
Related Content
  • Blackhawks' greatest (playoff) hits
    Blackhawks' greatest (playoff) hits

    Playoff hockey is not for the faint of heart. Or body. Here are the best shots the Hawks have dished out--and absorbed--during the 2013 playoffs. Want more? Discuss this article and others on RedEye Sports' Facebook page. 

  • 'Furious 7': At this point, you know, whatever
    'Furious 7': At this point, you know, whatever

    Muscular, perpetually mumbling bowling pin Dominic Toretto (Human Aggro Crag Vin Diesel) doesn’t just prefer Corona, the beach-branded standard of Mexican beer-flavored water. He won’t even consider trying a Belgian Trappist ale, widely regarded as being among the world’s...

  • '5 to 7' is hot and bothered
    '5 to 7' is hot and bothered

    Not long after hordes of viewers hungry for some good, clean (dirty) spanking action flocked to “Fifty Shades of Grey,” a smaller, better movie comes along that actually contains, you know, passion between its characters.

  • 'While We're Young' is hilariously wise
    'While We're Young' is hilariously wise

    That’s so old-fashioned, Cornelia (Naomi Watts) remarks warmly when 20-somethings Jamie (Adam Driver) and Darby (Amanda Seyfried) say that they’re married. Then they add that their wedding took place in a water tower to the sounds of a mariachi band. And there was a slip...

  • Where do Emanuel, Garcia stand on the issues?
    Where do Emanuel, Garcia stand on the issues?

    Chicago's April 7 runoff election is looming, and there are plenty of people undecided about whether they'll hand Mayor Rahm Emanuel another term or go with the new guy—Cook County Commissioner Jesus "Chuy" Garcia. So we've rounded up the top issues and where the candidates stand to...

  • McDonald's raising its minimum wage, but some say it's not enough
    McDonald's raising its minimum wage, but some say it's not enough

    McDonald's plans to raise starting wages by $1 above the local minimum at select restaurants, just one of the changes on tap as the world's largest fast-food chain tries to win back customers and fend off a union-backed effort to raise pay throughout the industry.