By Soxman and Julie DiCaro
3:31 PM CDT, May 23, 2013
Right about the time you're settling down for some Memorial Day barbecue and beverages on Monday, the Cubs and White Sox will renew their Crosstown Classic rivalry. This year it's only four games—two at each ballpark—and they're all back to back.
Cubs Fans: Instead of watching your team lose this week, DO go see "Star Trek Into Darkness." Producers' disappointment over it failing to earn $100 million in its opening weekend might help you put Alfonso Soriano's $136 million contract into perspective. Besides, as the World Series is an unknown universe to any Cub fan under age 105, Star Trek may be your best chance to "Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before."
Sox Fans: Hmmm … "Don't watch your team play baseball, go to a movie instead?" This was definitely written by a White Sox fan. They needed incentives from the front office to buy post-season tickets in 2005. Look, we're experts at watching bad baseball on the North Side, and the Crosstown Series is no exception. So White Sox fans, DO try something new: Buy tickets, get yourself to the North Side and support your team, no matter how bad they are at baseball. The Crosstown series is no fun if Cubs fans only have Carlos Marmol to hurl insults at. Oh, and keep an eye out for falling concrete.
Sox Fans: DON'T pay homage to the worst hairstyle in history and expect to hear Whitesnake, Poison or other '80s rock when mullet-sporting Cubs pitchers Jeff Samardzija and James Russell take the mound. Despite Julie's contention that big hair, muscle tees and ripped jeans are common attire at U.S. Cellular Field, our only Mullet Night is June 28. Of course, since we're talking about '80s rock, I have to be cliché and also say Don't Stop Believin. We're very much in the division race, unlike the Cubs, whose ownership is telling their fans to not start believing until 2016.
Cubs Fans, Don't make the mistake of watching the White Sox broadcast of the Crosstown Series. Having been weaned on the knowledgeable and dulcet tones of Harry Carry and Len Kasper, the trauma that Hawk Harrelson will inflict on your psyche will take years of therapy to overcome. Not only has Hawk defined "The Will to Win" as the most important metric in baseball, but he also won the coveted title of Worst Broadcaster in Baseball, as determined by GQ magazine. Unless you're lucking enough to tune in to an inning when Hawk is pouting (note: when Hawk is pouting, he refuses to speak), stick with Len and Jim. And be grateful.
As White Sox sluggers launch an onslaught of homeruns into the stands at the Cell, Cubs fans: DON'T throw the ball back onto the field. While it may be a grand part of the Loveable Loser tradition in Wrigleyville, it's considered nothing more than littering in our house. Instead, act more like the greatest Cubs fan of all time, Steve Bartman and grab at all foul balls that drift out of the field of play BEFORE greedy Cubs players try to rob you of a souvenir.
Cubs Fans DO remind White Sox players that there's a moratorium on the amount of time they can use the 2005 World Series as their response to every bit of smack talk thrown their way, and that the time is rapidly approaching when "2005" will sound as stupid as "1908." Once we hit the 10-year mark, they're going to have to give up their go-to response and actually rely on their team to play some decent baseball.
White Sox fans, DO get out to Wrigley Field and see a true historical landmark before they modernize it (i.e. try to copy everything cool about the Cell) next year. Be sure to enjoy a bison dog or two. It will help you understand why Cubs fans are always full of bull when talking about their team.
White Sox Fans, DON'T expect the food at Wrigley Field to be as good or as varied as the food at the Cell. On the rare occasions that I make the trek to 35th and Shields (to cheer for whoever is playing the Sox, of course), I'm delighted by your ability to make ballpark food that doesn't taste like ballpark food, and I'd like to give a special shoutout to the ice cream sundaes in the club section. Sadly, when you think of Wrigley Field food, think White Hen Pantry. Then take it down a notch or two. Now your expectations are more realistic. Enjoy!
Finally, whether you bleed Cubby blue or wear Sox on your head, DO take a page from White Sox marketing slogans, Julie and I and RESPECT THE GAME (and each other). Talk smack with your mouths, not your fists during this series. Remember, beer baths are meant for bratwurst not for igniting an MMA fight with your crosstown rival. While the BP Cup is fun for bragging rights, I'd give them all to the Cubs for ONE World Series Ring. I'm sure ANY Cubs fan would feel the same.
Soxman (@thesoxman72) and Julie DiCaro (@juliedicaro) are RedEye special contributors.Want more? Discuss this article and others on RedEye Sports' Facebook page.
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