It appears we have a job opening in Chicago.
With Brian Urlacher's retirement official, I am afraid that we need to officially post "the guy who owns Chicago" job on Craigslist.
This is a tough one, because we can't just pass it out to anyone. Past holders of this position have included: Michael Jordan, Walter Payton, Mike Ditka, Ryne Sandberg and Urlacher.
Take a look around, I'm seeing zero candidates. It's a complex screening process.
But Urlacher had it. Tough, loyal, played a position adored by Chicagoans. Athletically freakish, and he played for 13(!) years.
Some quick qualifications: Very, very good at what you do. Sorry, this eliminates everyone on the Cubs. Maybe, one day, Starlin Castro or Anthony Rizzo. Maybe. Not seeing it yet, though.
Longevity. Yes, you had to have played here a good long time. That puts someone like Paul Konerko in the running, but he lacks something. And that is …
Star quality. Chicago is still a big town, and the sports stars have to be big time. Paulee has the workmanlike quality, but no glamour.
That also eliminates everyone else on the White Sox. Sorry guys, you're too quiet!
Well, easy enough, you say. How about Derrick Rose!
Yeah, that's a problem, too. It would appear, though talented and gifted, he lacks one other necessary ingredient:
Tough as nails. Yes, Jordan would not have used advisers or a shoe company or anyone else to tell him when to come back. If it felt good, he was on the court. Unfortunately for the rest of the Bulls, they're tough enough, but not good enough.
And that brings us to the Blackhawks. Yes, they are young, fast, talented, brilliant skaters. Exciting and fun.
But not sure about the toughness. I see a team that got manhandled by Detroit and one that doesn't know what to do when that happens.
Which brings us back to the Bears. Jay Cutler? Tough, smart, been here a while, talented, but, something's missing.
Oh yeah, that's it. I forgot one. They have to be likable.
Bag Boy is a RedEye special contributor.Want more? Discuss this article and others on RedEye Sports' Facebook page.