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Sports

Get your fresh Detroit burns here!

The Blackhawks are facing Detroit in the playoffs again, one of the great rivalries in all of sports.

It has everything that makes hockey so great: Two teams and cities that dislike each other facing off in the most intense sport, and Patrick Sharp.

But the "Detroit sucks" chant has lost most of its meaning. So as a native Detroiter, I thought I could help come up with better, more effective Red Wings burns for the upcoming series.

>> The only reason anyone knows who Gordie Howe is anymore is because of a movie about Chicago.

>> Joe Louis Arena is so old it's the newest building in Detroit.

>> It's too bad about your best player missing the first round. Do you think Nick Lidstrom will play this series?

>> You call yourself Hockeytown? That's cute, suggesting enough people live in Detroit to call it a town.

>> Pavel Datsyuk? More like Pavel Datnotagoodhockeyplayer.

>> Bummer about not signing Zach Parise and Ryan Suter this offseason. But given the option to play for a team in a cold and miserable climate with a nonsensical name or Minnesota, it wasn't that hard of a choice.

>> Chris Chelios used to be good before he caught the Detroit.

>> It's too bad hockey isn't decided by the team that employs the most players who ended another player's career by sucker punching them, or you guys would have won the Presidents' Trophy this year.

>> We have two goalies with goals against averages lower than Jimmy Howard's. At least Howard's goals against average is better than your GDP.

>> Your roster is so old they probably remember the last time the Wings were good.

>> Your roster is so old they should call it the Original Thirty-Six.

>> Your roster is so old their daughters are too old for even Patrick Kane.

>> Just constantly mention "former Chicago Blackhawk Bob Probert" without mentioning his Red Wings career. This one will really bother Detroiters.

And if any of the Wings fans try to pretend the NHL existed before 2008, mumble something about games not being televised and bring up Kid Rock.

Scott Bolohan is a RedEye special contributor.

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Copyright © 2015, RedEye
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