1. Make a sports prediction for April.
Marc Silverman: April showers—from LeBron's constant crying.
Pete McMurray: The Cubs will disappoint me like my Bradley college girlfriend did junior year. We broke up (sniff sniff).
Ernest Wilkins: Sox go in hot, get cold. Cubs start cold, stay there.
Elliott Serrano: Blackhawks fans will be buying lots of antacids and anti-anxiety meds.
Sarah Spain: I will not be wearing jorts and a Cubs half-shirt to the home opener.
2. How can you tell baseball season is here?
Marc Silverman: "Hawk fights" have nothing to do with the Blackhawks. Beware, Stoney.
Pete McMurray: The Cubs shirts already are on the sale rack.
Ernest Wilkins: I'm drinking, aren't I?
Elliott Serrano: Cubs fans can sense the smell of hopeless resignation in the air.
Sarah Spain: Literally dozens of people are rushing to The Cell for Opening Day.
3. What will you consider a successful Cubs season?
Marc Silverman: Jim Belushi stays away from Wrigley.
Pete McMurray: Let's reflect on the back-to-back world champions from 1907 and 1908, shall we?
Ernest Wilkins: Third in the NL Central and free of bad contracts.
Elliott Serrano: 2015.
Sarah Spain: One that doesn't result in the team moving to Rosemont.
4. The Bulls have wrapped up a playoff spot. What's next?
Marc Silverman: Just thorns without a Rose.
Pete McMurray: Ummm, hello? No. 1? Remember that guy who was the MVP?
Ernest Wilkins: Nate Robinson goes ham. #holdat
Elliott Serrano: The Return ... home after getting bounced in the first round.
Sarah Spain: Wrapping up Derrick's fragile psyche and forcing him onto the court.
5. Now that the Final Four is set ...
Marc Silverman: ... we can yell and motion "shocker!" for at least another week.
Pete McMurray: ... I can think about my bracket for next year. Damn that OSU!
Ernest Wilkins: ... I can say that Wichita State SHOCKED THE WORLD. [falls through a wall]
Elliott Serrano: ... we can focus on our own March Madness-themed tourneys! Have you seen the Star Wars one?
Sarah Spain: ... I can stop wondering if I'll make any money back on my bracket "investments." (The answer is no.)