1. On days the Blackhawks play, I feel ...
Marc Silverman: ... like a broken record.
Pete McMurray: ... as happy as Fred Flintstone in the opening scene when they put the ribs on the side of his car!
Ernest Wilkins: ... like Chuck Mangione is playing "Feels So Good" in my scalp.
Elliott Serrano: ... anxiety over whether they will win that day.
Sarah Spain: ... as happy as Coach Q after a top-notch mustache trim.
2. On days the Blackhawks don't play, I feel ...
Marc Silverman: ... Toews'ed and confused.
Pete McMurray: ... like Lady Gaga waiting for her new bra to arrive (too weird?).
Ernest Wilkins: ... like I'm being kicked in the Yucatan Peninsula. (That's a metaphor.)
Elliott Serrano: ... anxiety over whether they will win the Stanley Cup this year.
Sarah Spain: ... as sad as Brandon Bollig with no available face to punch in.
3. If not $1 million, what would get LeBron James into the dunk contest?
Marc Silverman: Have D-Wade recruit him. That's worked before.
Pete McMurray: Five more rings.
Ernest Wilkins: Affection? Love? That song "Love and Affection"?
Elliott Serrano: 2 million dollars?
Sarah Spain: A lifetime membership to Hair Club for Men? (He's not only the King, he's also a client.)
4. What did Henry Melton think when the Bears put the franchise tag on him?
Marc Silverman: "I'm going to get paid $1.4 mil per sack? Suckers!"
Pete McMurray: "Chaaaa-Chinnnng! How about $8.45 million and we'll call it a day!"
Ernest Wilkins: Like I just built a tower out of 72 beer cans. Shouts to Tim and Matt at the Drum and Monkey!
Elliott Serrano: "This tag is itchy."
Sarah Spain: "$9 million is a lot of money to play the game I love. I'll invest wisely and be thankful for my good fortune."
5. Welcome power forward Lou Amundson to the Bulls.
Marc Silverman: Go sit down by Vlad Radmanovic. And where the hell is D-Rose?
Pete McMurray: Welcome Lou, you 1.6 points per game and 2.4 rebounds per game behemoth!
Ernest Wilkins: LOUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu ... (passes out)
Elliott Serrano: Welcome! See that spot on the bench? You live there now.
Sarah Spain: Hey man, just a head's up -- if the crowd is yelling "Luuuuuu," they're cheering for Deng.