1. What Chicago sports figure should do an interview with Oprah?
|Tracy Swartz: Sammy Sosa. They could pop some corks together.|
|Julie DiCaro: Maury Buford. Obviously.|
|Soxman: Oprah launched a sports channel? Is there anything this woman can't do?|
|Brad Zibung: They were on the winning team in 1865, which was way more important than some football game.|
|Ernest Wilkins: The Cubs front office. "We don't care about you, give us your money. NOSTALGIA!"|
2. Why would the Bears consider hiring a Canadian Football League coach?
|Tracy Swartz: Continuity. They've been Eh for a very long time.|
|Julie DiCaro: Access to the all-important maple sugar supply during this historic shortage.|
|Soxman: Canada gave us Nickelback and Avril Lavigne. How could it fail? I kid. I kid.|
|Brad Zibung: CFL fields are longer, so their coaches are especially adept at gaining yards on offense.|
|Ernest Wilkins: Because sometimes an Alouette is the best that you can get.|
3. Which Blackhawk will benefit most from the shortened season?
|Tracy Swartz: Patrick Kane has done well coming up short.|
|Julie DiCaro: Kaner. He'll have to play fewer times hungover.|
|Soxman: No. 67 as Michael will have less time to Frolik around.|
|Brad Zibung: I've forgotten everything I know about the Blackhawks. Let me study their roster and get back to you.|
|Ernest Wilkins: Pierre Pilote. Mostly because he's been dead since 1972.|
4. How will the Bulls greet John Lucas III when they play Toronto on Wednesday?
|Tracy Swartz: With a trap for JLIII, the only way to defeat a Raptor, according to JPIII.|
|Julie DiCaro: By asking him to autograph a poster from "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air."|
|Soxman: I'd make a Jurassic Park Raptors joke, but Spielberg, not Lucas, made that movie, right?|
|Brad Zibung: Some might actually recognize him!|
|Ernest Wilkins: "No autographs, kid. Oh wait ..."|
5. If interpreters are allowed to visit the mound in Major League Baseball ...
|Tracy Swartz: ... then finally someone will be able to explain the Cubs.|
|Julie DiCaro: ... the Cubs need to hire Pedro Martinez as their "interpreter."|
|Soxman: ... then I'm ordering Alabamian from Rosetta Stone to be a lock for Jake Peavy's interpreter job.|
|Brad Zibung: ... there will finally be no problems left for Bud Selig to solve, so maybe he'll finally retire.|
|Ernest Wilkins: ... then pitchers will act like twins and make up their own language.|