1. Console Notre Dame after its loss in the BCS National Championship game.
|Tracy Swartz: Well, it wasn't a happy ending, just an NDing.|
|Julie DiCaro: No. And you can't make me.|
|Soxman: "I bet you more people will remember Katherine Webb than the final score. Chin up!"|
|Brad Zibung: They were on the winning team in 1865, which was way more important than some football game.|
|Ernest Wilkins: Well, I donated $10 by texting "Irish" to 90999 to aid in that disaster. That help?|
2. If Jon Bon Jovi is a Notre Dame fan ...
|Tracy Swartz: ... he'll have to "Keep the Faith."|
|Julie DiCaro: ... my 13-year-old self weeps.|
|Soxman: ... then their loss must've been bad medicine for him, a real shot to the heart.|
|Brad Zibung: ... it all makes perfect sense.|
|Ernest Wilkins: ... then the best possible joke has already been made.|
3. What do the Bulls mean when they say D-Rose is "right on schedule"?
|Tracy Swartz: He's ready to come back from break.|
|Julie DiCaro: He's right on schedule to break our hearts by returning after it's too late to save the season.|
|Soxman: His availability down the stretch is all a matter of "kneed."|
|Brad Zibung: They planned for his knee injury all along so he could be the part of the biggest comeback story of all time?|
|Ernest Wilkins: They're squeezing the small coal of hope Bulls fans have until it's a diamond of anxiety.|
4. Why is Jerry Reinsdorf on the Basketball Hall of Fame ballot?
|Tracy Swartz: He owns the court.|
|Julie DiCaro: Jerry plays a mean game of H.O.R.S.E.|
|Soxman: Six NBA championships aside, even the basketball gods are White Sox fans.|
|Brad Zibung: It's not as a candidate. It's as "Jerry Reinsdorf, Inc." because his multinational corporation of evil prints ballots.|
|Ernest Wilkins: Because of SIX RINGS IN EIGHT YEARS, THAT'S WHY. Sorry, I've been stressed recently.|
5. Why are the Bears interviewing so many offensive coordinators?
|Tracy Swartz: They could use a long line.|
|Julie DiCaro: Hopefully, because they'll be replacing Lovie AND his latest meathead OC. Looking at you, Tice.|
|Soxman: They're using all the intel gathered to develop a super playbook for Mike Singletary.|
|Brad Zibung: They want Mike Tice to feel really special when they decide to give him a lifetime contract extension.|
|Ernest Wilkins: It's like when your roommate keeps stealing your food; you need to address the problem at hand.|