1. Console Notre Dame after its loss in the BCS National Championship game.
Tracy Swartz: Well, it wasn't a happy ending, just an NDing.
Julie DiCaro: No. And you can't make me.
Soxman: "I bet you more people will remember Katherine Webb than the final score. Chin up!"
Brad Zibung: They were on the winning team in 1865, which was way more important than some football game.
Ernest Wilkins: Well, I donated $10 by texting "Irish" to 90999 to aid in that disaster. That help?
2. If Jon Bon Jovi is a Notre Dame fan ...
Tracy Swartz: ... he'll have to "Keep the Faith."
Julie DiCaro: ... my 13-year-old self weeps.
Soxman: ... then their loss must've been bad medicine for him, a real shot to the heart.
Brad Zibung: ... it all makes perfect sense.
Ernest Wilkins: ... then the best possible joke has already been made.
3. What do the Bulls mean when they say D-Rose is "right on schedule"?
Tracy Swartz: He's ready to come back from break.
Julie DiCaro: He's right on schedule to break our hearts by returning after it's too late to save the season.
Soxman: His availability down the stretch is all a matter of "kneed."
Brad Zibung: They planned for his knee injury all along so he could be the part of the biggest comeback story of all time?
Ernest Wilkins: They're squeezing the small coal of hope Bulls fans have until it's a diamond of anxiety.
4. Why is Jerry Reinsdorf on the Basketball Hall of Fame ballot?
Tracy Swartz: He owns the court.
Julie DiCaro: Jerry plays a mean game of H.O.R.S.E.
Soxman: Six NBA championships aside, even the basketball gods are White Sox fans.
Brad Zibung: It's not as a candidate. It's as "Jerry Reinsdorf, Inc." because his multinational corporation of evil prints ballots.
Ernest Wilkins: Because of SIX RINGS IN EIGHT YEARS, THAT'S WHY. Sorry, I've been stressed recently.
5. Why are the Bears interviewing so many offensive coordinators?
Tracy Swartz: They could use a long line.
Julie DiCaro: Hopefully, because they'll be replacing Lovie AND his latest meathead OC. Looking at you, Tice.
Soxman: They're using all the intel gathered to develop a super playbook for Mike Singletary.
Brad Zibung: They want Mike Tice to feel really special when they decide to give him a lifetime contract extension.
Ernest Wilkins: It's like when your roommate keeps stealing your food; you need to address the problem at hand.