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redeyechicago.com

Five on Five: Simmering

The Bulls-Heat rivalry is lukewarm, but don't tell Evil Super Computer that.

By Chris Sosa, @redeyesportschi

6:50 PM CDT, July 19, 2012

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1. How would you rate the Bulls-Heat rivalry right now?
Tracy Swartz: The heat index would be on the Rose, er, rise with Derrick.
Phil Thompson: It's like the Bulls are the last deep-fried Twinkie on Earth and the Heat are Paula Deen.
Evil Super Computer: Not as hot as the iPhone 5, but not as lame as the Zune.
Jimmy Greenfield: Without D-Rose? It's like NIU-Florida State.
Bag Boy: On a scale of 1 to 100, about a 1.
2. Make a prediction for the NFL playoffs.
Tracy Swartz: It will be the Real Housing of Atlanta.
Phil Thompson: Super Bowl organizers come to their senses: 15 minutes of game time; 60 minutes of Beyonce halftime show.
Evil Super Computer: Peyton Manning will conquer all, thanks to the cyborg implants in his neck.
Jimmy Greenfield: Jay Cutler will do better by not playing.
Bag Boy: Packers over the Vikes this weekend.
3. What will Lovie Smith be doing when the 2013 NFL season begins?
Tracy Swartz: Hibernating so he can still be around bears.
Phil Thompson: Justifying moving prolific Bills running back C.J. Spiller to wide receiver.
Evil Super Computer: Brushing up on bowing to his mechanical masters, if he's smart.
Jimmy Greenfield: Molding men, much like Evil Super Computer does during his pottery class.
Bag Boy: He will be the brand-new coach of the Buffalo Bills. Best of luck, Lovie.
4. Why does Minnesota's Adrian Peterson want to play special teams?
Tracy Swartz: He's the AP. He wants to cover everything.
Phil Thompson: Because getting a 40-yard running start to truck some poor punter is on his NFL bucket list.
Evil Super Computer: He thinks he's the Terminator. He's not far off.
Jimmy Greenfield: If I played for the Vikings, I'd also want to hurt myself.
Bag Boy: Because he's special!
5. What does Steve Nash mean when he says the Lakers are "running out of time"?
Tracy Swartz: They need to go back to the future and rePhil.
Phil Thompson: He and Kobe have shoes older than Jodie Meeks, so they need to get it together fast.
Evil Super Computer: Even a puny human like Steve Nash knows the machine takeover is near. MWAHAHAHA!
Jimmy Greenfield: On June 15, at precisely midnight, the Lakers will all turn into pumpkins.
Bag Boy: They're old. Not Viagra old, but old.